Brakes, Storms, and Powder

As 2011 comes to a close, I'm left wondering - Where are the brakes on this thing?
This is a selfish post. For the record. However...

BRAKES:
No, seriously, where are the brakes? First of all, in case anyone missed the memo, it is December, thus, we have reached the end of 2011. Secondly, December 31st is my 1 year anniversary with Thailand. Third, my housemate from Flaggytown, Tommy, is moving out here in a little over 2 weeks! It was a year ago that I moved out to Phuket and now he is headed to Thailand to be my housemate once more! Wild! So, like I said - life is just cranking up; no brakes!

Serious Photo with Thomas Strehlow

Sometime in 2011, things started moving and the wind behind it all chanted, 

"Can't stop, won't stop".

Looking back on this year, 2011 really challenged me - on all fronts. I have been greatly changed by Thailand, partially because it gave me the space to find myself - on my own and separate from everything and everyone I have ever known. I came out here a year ago, hurt and angry because of my parents separation, my guard up, a mile high, in an attempt to protect my battered heart after my last 'serious' relationship, and I was feeling extra vulnerable - being in a new location while trying to get my head on right. I couldn't manage money, be accountable, or be honest about my baggage - I was an 8 year old running emotionally wild, unable to get my heart strings back and feeling uncertain in my footing.

STORMS:

Exhausting! When my mom came out here in October, I was able to begin talking to her about what was under emotional wraps - in large part because she forced me to. Moms have a way with that, don't they? Out it came - my anger with her, my feelings towards my dad, my heartache over a boy who had been reckless with hearts and thought that mine was no different, my control freak issues with eating, and my struggle to love myself. Although my mom can not wave a magic wand and make all my pain go away - as trivial as some may be, it was extremely beneficial uncorking the bottle of suppressed drama and talking. Finally!

Coincidentally, I started feeling less out of control and I would venture to say, I started healing. Hey, look at that! I realized that my uber control-everything-in-my-life-ness came from my inability to control the fracturing of my family and the helplessness I felt concerning it all. Sometimes it is nice not being around to witness the implosion of a 30 year relationship, but other times, the questions, the secrets, and the lack of communication made me feel like I was left - face pressed up against window panes, watching a storm front moving in. Helpless and unable to alter the intensity or the magnitude of the inevitable storm, I turned inwards - collecting all of the pain and hurt from the bombardment of life lessons and repackaged it as - "If only you were better, stronger, skinnier, prettier, smarter, perhaps you wouldn't hurt this much." Self-deprecation is not a good look for me, but as soon as I started being honest about feeling overwhelmed by some aspects of my life that I couldn't understand or control, I started the healing process. We could point at some 'stages of grief' timeline, but hey, this is how it happened for me.

POWDER:

After talking with my mom about my emotions, (Yeah, even Ice Queen can talk about emotions...sometimes) everything that I had been feeling came to a head when I was sitting with the Korean student I tutor, Jessica. We were going over the short story she had been assigned to analyze for her English class, Powder, by Tobias Wolfe. The story delves into the internal struggle of a boy working to come to terms with his parents divorce. The snow storm, dousing the road with fresh powder and threatening to make it impassible, sets a stage for the emotional hurdles the boy must overcome on his drive home with his father.

I asked Jessica, "What is this story about?"
"Powder", she answers, then discusses the snow storm that the boy and his father are caught in.
"You're right Jessica, but is the author just trying to talk about snow? What else is happening in the story?"
"Well the boy's parents are going through a divorce and the boy is trying to accept it," Jessica responds.


As we talked about the story, I realized that I was no longer thinking about the boy and his father, but of my own life. There, right in front of me, was a summary of my emotional roller coaster, my demons, my storming world that seemed so personal and complicated that I felt alone with it all. I realized quickly that I was talking about myself through our discussion. Just like this character in my student's assignment, I was working to come to terms with relationship storms...and, slowly, I was getting through it.

Funny how things happen like that.

BRAKES, STORMS, and POWDER:
2011, well played. You got some punches in, but I'm not only still standing, I'm rolling with it. Now, when it comes to Powder - I only take mine in chalk form, Storms - I dance in the rain, and Brakes - instead of white knuckled and desperate, I'm gaining confidence in lack of control, learning to to have serenity in what I can not change, strength in 'one step at a time', and instead of demanding "Where are the brakes on this thing?", I'm embracing each moment and exclaiming -

Look, Mom, no hands!

What's that feeling...? Christmas?

A lot of my students have never heard of Christmas.
The whitest part of my day is me.
The trees around me are adorned with coconuts and tropical fruit.
The Christmas decorations you do see are all red - no green.
Bustling motorbikes and soi dogs are the closest thing we'll get to a reindeer and sleigh, but when I arrive at school and 'Santa' has left me a box of cookies and a hand written note on school paper, I feel Christmas.

Christmas in Thailand is not like Christmas in America, for obvious reasons. We didn't do that whole Black Friday thing and the mall is just packed with the usual tourists. I haven't heard a holiday a song yet, I'll probably be eating Pad Thai or a noodle bowl as my Christmas feast, and I'm telling the students that Santa hasn't delivered presents in the past because Thai houses don't have chimneys. (Thank you, Geoff Carter, for a run down on explaining Santa to children.)

I can't keep track of months, let alone holidays, anymore. I feel disconnected from the west, but that's okay. I love where I am, even if it takes children wishing me Merry Christmas on the wrong day or giving me heart shaped balloons as Christmas gifts, to remind me of the season.

That's part of it though, isn't it? As we scatter around the globe or pursue different courses in life, reunions become more difficult. Responding to my childish dreams of having everyone together at one time, my friend told me via e-mail to get my head out of the clouds. Hey, I'm an 8 year old and I just want my family - a marvelous collection of friends, in addition to my sister, parents, and relatives - to rejoin and share food, stories, and laughter around the holidays, but like I said, I like to dream. Maybe it's even one of the few times that I've really felt the magic of Christmas - truly appreciating the magic of bringing together family and friends. I'm finding, amongst Thai interpretations of western holidays and a weekend of climbing and beach time, that regardless of my placement, I still feel Christmas.

Bamboo Tatts and Destiny

"This is your destiny. It is not for fashion. With tattoo, you get a mission." 

 Ask a Thai about the significance of a bamboo tattoo and then prepare yourself for an explanation incorporating mystery and magic. It was Saturday afternoon at the beach, when this petite Thai woman, and good friend of mine, May, began a story of power, strength, and ghosts, that would continue through the evening of my Thai tattoo experience. Do you know what gives the Thai army strength, power, and luck? Sak Yant tattoos. May almost whispered to me as we lit the candles and prayed during the initial steps of my tattooing, "It made them a ghost army and just like this, the tattoo will protect you".

Sak Yant Tattoos

Sak Yant is the Thai name for sacred geometrical designs inked into the skin. Sak is the Thai word for tattoo and Yant, or Yantra as it is known elsewhere in the world, is the Thai name for a geometrical design believed to posses magical powers of protection. 


The Sak Yant tattoos are normally inked by Buddhist Monks or Brahmin priests/holy men. Each of the different Sak Yant tattoo designs is said to carry a certain protection, some Thai’s believe that when a design is inked onto your skin by a Buddhist monk you then become imbued with that protection.

Yant tattooing is an ancient Buddhist tradition practiced in Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and Myanmar. The prayers tattooed around the Yant are written in Pali Sanskrit, the original language of Buddha, using ancient Khom or Khmer lettering. 

Each Sak Yant tatto has it’s own particular design, method and meaning Each Sak Yant tattoo also has a prayer ( Kataa ) that accompanies it and is the final step of the tattooing process as the monk speaks the Kataa and blows it’s words into the newly inscribed tattoo, awakening it’s power. The Sak Yant is said to become alive and to continue growing with it’s owner for the rest of their lives.

The interesting thing about getting a Sak Yant tattoos is that you are not supposed to pick the design. May and her cousin, the artist who would create my tattoo, selected the design while taking into consideration what kind of person I am and through praying for guidance in this decision. Once the artist has decided, the spot is also locked in. You can not get certain tattoos in certain areas, thus you have to essentially submit to the process. I was nervous, not about the pain, but about the lack of control I had over something that would be permanent on my body - I didn't know where the tattoo was even going until May leaned over to me as I sat patiently, despite the nerves, and said, "He's made his decision, it will be in the middle."


Well, okay ka. (Thai-English or T-English speak that has taken over my diction.) Let it happen.

A little freaked out..... hahaha

Bamboo tattoos are made when the artist takes a bamboo stick and repeatedly pokes the skin with the sharp point on the end. This is what makes bamboo tattooing such a specialized art form.

Since this is a spiritual process, white clothing is mandatory for both the artist and the person receiving the tattoo. Additionally, both parties must honor the spirits with prayers to channel the power of the spirits into the tattoo. The artist prepares the room by setting up a shrine and will also chant or repeat prayers during the process - with a final prayer at the end - thus sealing the magic in the tattoo.

It was amazing.

The next day, we went to Wat Chalong, one of the famous Buddhist temples in Phuket, to honor the spirits and pay respect for the tattoo. May guided me though the offering process and the prayers as the harmonious chanting of the monks pulsated through the room. It was almost surreal being a part of the throngs of people filling the temple. Engulfed in clouds of smoke from incense and candles, we sat amidst colorful and ornate shrines - feeling power in the atmosphere. May turned to me as she described the meaning and significance of each practice and said,

"This is your destiny. It is not for fashion. With tattoo, you get a mission." 

As a demonstration of the value placed on teachers in the community, Part 1 of the mission includes traveling to my tattoo artist's hometown to honor his teacher. Through these journeys, I am supposed to learn about the meaning of my tattoo, the magic contained in it, and my destiny.

Lotus flower offerings

 Wat Chalong

I have to say, this was one of the most insane, but amazing experiences. Insane for me, because I had to let go of any inhibitions and just let it happen. Controlling Nicola - letting someone tattoo her with what he believed was chosen for her and putting it where it was destined to go???? I haven't ever thought that much about an individuals destiny or what my personal beliefs concerning destiny entail, but I will say that it was an honor to receive such an amazing tattoo and to get a glimpse at the significance that lies behind it.

 

 Destiny? I'm 23 years old, with an 8 year old's heart. Never before would I have imagined myself in this magical country - for a year nonetheless - getting a sacred bamboo tattoo. Yet, here I am.

Destiny? I'm lost a lot of the time. I don't have the answers, but I'm learning about life, questioning the cosmos, and dreaming of what this world has to offer me. I'm constantly trying to make sense of this world, and though dwarfed by the magnitude of these punctuation marks, on a mission to find out what they might reveal.

Full Moon Party Pack

FULL MOON PARTY PREPARATION

The time has come and although science says that I shouldn't be physically able to party as hard as I'm about to this weekend - I have to borrow a quote from my friend Brandon and say, "my full moon party religion does not believe in science". Not only that, but my heart beats only to bass - that, by the way, is a fact.

This weekend, I'm going to the Full Moon Party for the first time. Now, full moon parties take place across Thailand when...well, whenever there is a full moon! Makes sense. We do also party when there is a new moon for "black moon parties" or even when there is a half moon for the appropriately named "half moon parties". However, these events are dwarfed by the official Full Moon Party which takes place on the island of Phangan. Koh (island in Thai) Phangan is where the full moon brings out the crazies and the night erupts in a "ragefest" of mayhem and tomfoolery. DJs, dancing, people from around the world, and no regard for body clocks or common sense - should be fantastic!

That could be the end of the post: a " dun dun dun....will she survive?" moment, but instead of speculating further, I would like to take this opportunity to get something off my chest. There is something that I may or may not be obsessed with. It is an article of clothing....well it is more like the ultimate party accessory and it just so happens to be the one thing that you would need at a party of full moon proportions....

THE FANNY PACK!

Oh the fanny pack (bum bag for all you Brits). What a revolution in fashion! I have to say that the fanny pack will always be one of my personal treasures. The fanny pack sends a message. It says, "Hey, I'm here to party and I'm going to need my arms and hands free."

Now, I know many of you like to voice your thoughts and opinions about fanny packs (especially when I start my fanny pack rant) - stating that other bags can do what the fanny pack can. Well, I'm here to tell you, "false". Another bag absolutely can not.

Plain and simple, all other carrying containers are not ready for the elements of a night out like a fanny pack is. Let's look at a few options, shall we?

1. The Clutch. 
A clutch says, "Yeah, I'm fashion savvy, but I'll turn into a weapon during a 'bout of hard dancing."

2. The Side Bag.
When getting into the swing of some partying and dancing, a bag like a sling bag can create a spinning, weed whacker effect - assaulting you and other people. A side bag says, "Check it - it's your own personal force field."

3. Backpack attack.
Even a backpack - which can hold a lot of stuff - can make stomping a hole into the center of the earth a challenge. Plain and simple, it is a little bulky, much like a midget clinging to your back.

Not only that, but people will ask you to carry stuff for them - it's a backpack after all. Convenient, but heavy and restricting. Oh, AND then you have to be the responsible one! Responsibility? What? I'm 8 years old!

4. Who wears the Pants?
 Some people are out there - scoffing at my fanny pack rant and muttering something like: "I'm a man and I have pants; that's my purse."

Well, this is true. Give yourself a high five, you pants wearing person, but I will say that I am frequently asked by man friends or pants wearing folk to carry their belongs, including, but not limited to: cameras, cash, wallets, cigarettes...whatever...and the reason for this is because sometimes man pants are all you need, but not all of the time and not at a party for the full moon. Additionally, you know you have probably - at some point or another - asked a woman to put something in her purse for you, because your pants weren't enough and her purse was the size of cat kennel. (Not a fanny pack.)

5. The Fanny Pack. The be all, end all.
The fanny pack has it all. It is spacious. It is a no hassle bag and it keeps everything in one place - convenience? I think yes.

Side note: I tend to think that if you are going to rock a fanny pack, you need a "statement" pack. It needs to demand some attention. It needs to say, "can't stop, won't stop" or "hey, I may or may not dance a hole into the earth." In fact, my friend, Monika, in Flagstaff, actually had this bomb fanny pack that was all sparkly and shit. It was pretty fantastic and just looked like she was a rock star. (Monika is basically a personal hero of mine.)

Like Rhianna, or something.

It was notable and if I find a fanny pack with sparkles - I will buy it and it will feel like Christmas.

SO, that's the fanny pack rant. They are fantastic. They are the only packs that can do what they do and they are made for party people. We are taking on the Full Moon Party in the a.m. and we are going to do it hands free and with rainbow style!

Dear Koh Phangan,
The full moon is out and shit's getting weird!

Love, Nicola