Astrology Intervention

Astrology Intervention

I constantly assert that I'm a - can't stop, won't stop - 8 year old - whirlwind of a girl; that I have my head caught up in big dreams and my feet moving according to 'bolt' not 'tread lightly'. But, truth be told, I came to Phuket with this notion that I was going to live a peaceful life, that I'd be reading a lot, and that there would be almost a permanent outline of my body in the sand on the beach. Relaxing in a remote location? Sign me up!

I had assumed, as many travelers do, that my deep and intellectual self would be tapped into, thus engaging in 'discovering my road to self discovery' type of living, and that I was going to grow in complex ways and find out the real inter-workings of me. Well, I have, in my own opinion, done some growing and discovering, yet the beach is saved for the weekends, my relationship with books is more 'friends with benefits' than committed relationship, and my liquids intake becomes Thai whiskey and beer as soon as the sun sets. Now, I have had a phenomenal time living in this country, don't get me wrong, and have been making full use of the expat teacher lifestyle, however, my misconception of 'Phuket-living' as comparable to a placid lake, like Khao Sok in the morning light, has been disturbed like a front somersault into said pristine Thailand lake. Cannonball!

I was laying around last night, taking it easy, and listening to music in the Tree House (my new place), when this little thought entered my mind - am I'm getting burnt out? In that moment - I felt like I was.

I'm not sure what I need - perhaps some quiet time? A little bit of relaxation? A vacation from vacation-living?

I started this post with a picture of me at the island of Koh Ya Noi holding a hermit crab, because my astrological sign is cancer - the crab - and I embody that description to the fullest. I am definitely someone who wants to come out of my shell and be social, but only if I can retreat for some alone time. Recently, I've been needing to retreat. I'm freaking tired, man. I feel like I'm struggling to maintain balance in my life and that things are just go go go. Now, typically I'm all for it, but recently, goodness; I'm just in need of relaxation and quiet. Hah! Am I turning into an old person?

When I lived in Flagstaff, there were times that I would just go and climb all weekend, leave the booze at home, and just chill. It was great being so psyched on climbing. Even heading out into the wilderness, aided only by headlamps, crash pads, and friends for good conversation, was all I wanted. It was all I needed. Today, I had the chance to catch up with one of the few remaining Flagstaff-ians, a friend of mine, who is still engaging in that lifestyle - chilling, working on rad-ass projects, and climbing hard. I thought for a second, "I'm so envious of that type of living; I would love to do that again". My internal dialogue became hung up on the conclusion that I would love to attempt to immerse myself in that introspective journey that I was picturing as I boarded a plane to this remote island over a year ago, but then I thought - "What's stopping me?"

Sometimes we need to take a second to breathe, to figure out what is important to us, and sometimes, taking a break is okay. I'm working on restoring a little bit of balance to my life - if it is possible. I laugh as I write this, because I have a party-er's heart and I know that reaching out to chilled-out-Nicola will only be obtained through baby steps. However, I'm going to work at it. In fact, I'm actually signing up for a marathon, with my friends, which will be on June 10th of this year. I'm really excited to commit to something like this. My friends and I have been running regularly around Phuket for the last couple of months, but I hope that having this marathon in the looming future will inspire some greater lifestyle changes. I've never run a full marathon before, though, I have to competed in a couple of triathlons when I was younger. Younger? Hah! Now I do sounds like an old person. I say it was when I was younger, because it was when I was playing a grip of soccer and actually in shape - not raging all of the time. Goodness. 

So that's where I'm at. I'm trying to turn down the bass that my heart beats to, but maybe just a bit. I did find a posting on an Ellie Goulding video this morning that made me realize why it is so hard for me to stop this 'can't stop, won't stop' attitude. The posting was as follows:


"SO MY MOM WALKED IN ON ME... dancing to dubstep.. lol. it was a groundbreaking experience... she asked me, "is that how all the people dance to this?", to my reply, "No, i am just letting the music take me.." She asked me, "where does the music take you son?" And with a supremely confident smile and tone I said, "to a place without consequence". Her face scrunched in misunderstanding... I told her.. "I found love again, and it's with myself. I love dancing, and I love dubstep. AND I LOVE YOU!"

Hell, yeah! I just think life is too much fun! I'm in love with dancing and music, I'm a social 8 year old, and I'm obsessed with the people in my life, but I'm trying to chill out a little bit. If only for just a little bit. Is it possible? I'm not sure, but I'm a crab and right now I need my shell!

Perhaps being soothed by the melodies of Greg Alan Isakov will send me back to crisp nights in Flagstaff, climbing at the Draw, and allow me to hole up in the Tree House for awhile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E69qahzgeN8&feature=related

 Life is a whirlwind. It is madness and it is addictive, but come and tread lightly with me, dispute the unanswered questions with me, and leave me content with loving & living to the rhythm of truck motors, ice scraping, and coffee making for climbing in the morning.

The Sky is Everywhere

Need and little reminder that life is precious? I just found out that my coworker's younger brother passed away in an accident and it sent me on an emotional spiral. I was sitting at my desk, staring into space, trying to fathom what he could be feeling due to the loss of his sibling. I could barely imagine. My sister and I are separated in age by 3 years. Together, we have been through some of the most difficult times in our lives, the happiest times, and moments of intense emotional growth. I love my sister more than anyone on this earth and I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without her. Maybe as if there were a giant, aching hole in my heart? Today, I am reminded of how incredibly fortunate I am to have not lost a sibling. 

As a somber breeze runs through my office I feel goosebumps and hear a whisper: "Everyday is a blessing".

 My sister is the other part of my equation.

At a Yonder Mountain String Band concert in Flagstaff, Arizona.

 Pickin' in the Pines.

.

 My little apartment in Flag while my sister was visiting.

Traveling together.

Acropolis, Athens.

 Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. 

My graduation in 2010.

“There were once two sisters
who were not afriad of the dark
because the dark was full of the other's voice
across the room,
because even when the night was thick and starless
they walked home together from the river
seeing who could last the longest
without turning on her flashlight, not afraid
because sometimes in the pitch of night
they'd lie on their backs
in the middle of the path
and look up until the stars came back
and when they did,
they'd reach their arms up to touch them
and did.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere.

My sister just celebrated her 21st birthday on Saturday and it blows my mind! They grow up so fast! Ugh, well, after over a year of distance, a handful of Skype sessions, and a few e-mails, my heart aches for that girl. I love her more than anything and I wish I could see her and tell her that - this instant. Yet, today, I'm thankful for the intermittent pieces of communication and the love that binds us. Happy 21st, Honey!

It's like you hit me with lightening

Music inspiration for the week: 

Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding (Jakwob Remix)

This last week has been mind blowing. Mind blowing! We celebrated Tim's 25th birthday, then Ross' 25th birthday, I moved out of the Jungle Gym and into a new house, went camping with Ross and Geoff in the north of Phuket, Tommy made it to Thailand with his friend, Kenny, we hit up beaches, went to big Buddha, met up with Tim, Jason, and their friends who are also visiting, and have been having a grand ol' time ever since. 

Here's the photo recap: 

 Korean BBQ dinner for Tim's 25th

(Photo ruined or made more hilarious by Jason's face - up to you!)

 There's a nice one!

Then, for Ross and Tim's 25th birthday party, we had a party that was 'Only Food' themed. 'Only food' meant that people had to make costumes out of food or food packaging for the party. The results were amazing. 

A friend of mine was asking - "Are people really going to dress up or is this going to be one of those parties with a ridiculous theme where I end up dressed up by myself, looking stupid". 

I responded, "Whoa, whoa, whoa - let me stop you right there. I'm just going to say that, historically, people tend to go all out for our parties. (Reference the 'Anything but clothes' or 'LSD Extravaganza' parties) So, I'm just going to tell you right now that if you don't dress up, you will feel peer pressured to leave until you can find an outfit." 

Just sayin'. Up to you.

Here's the birthday boy! Ross Robinson with a pizza necklace....sickkkkk. (sick disgusting, not sick braaa.)

Jill dressed up as a Thai beer - Chang.

Little firecracker, Geoff.

Poncho-leaf-dress-man and Tim. More often than not, you do get food in banana leaves. Fact.

(Yes, Tim did make these pants out of Top Ramen noodle packets. Complete with a draw string!)

Bob the Mentos Man. He did punt Mentos at one point during the night also.

I didn't know someone had invited Picasso to the party. Chris, straight up, painted his corn flakes box himself!

 
We danced the night away for the last time in our house. That's right, after a year of living in Thailand in the same house, although it has been good to us and tolerant despite the shenanigans, January marked a moving month for the family. I ended up moving into a bungalow on the mountainside overlooking Phuket. It was cool doing the whole house hunting thing and realizing that I'm going to be here for a little while longer. I had all sorts of ideas about where I wanted to live, but when I walked in to the mountain house, I immediately felt at home. It is also kind of cool because this is the first place that I have moved into that has been mine - my little place...to do with what I wish. No parents helping out with rent, no roomies - just me. I felt kind of adult-like and generally psyched. 

 (Blue lights are being strung all around this place now.)

Hallway. Check.

Walk in closet with mondo amount of clothing that still needs to be put away.

You literally have to drive directly up a mountain to find it, but it feels right. So, that was the beginning of the weekend - moving, birthdays, and getting settled. Sunday night, with school canceled for 'Teacher's Day' on Monday, Ross, Geoff, and I headed up to this beach in northern Phuket to camp and chill. It is really unbelievably beautiful and peaceful up there and since we camped at Ao Nang a year ago, it felt right to do it again.

Just like the night sky from Ao Nang. Stars twinkling away.

Not only were the stars bright and beautiful, but right next to the beach is Phuket International Airport and if you lie on the beach, you can watch planes taking off and landing as though they are right next to you. It is pretty neat. I didn't take these night pictures, but they coincidentally reveal what I was experiencing. 

To conclude this monumental and mind blowing week, Tommy made it to Thailand!

Tommy, myself, and Kenny

It is amazing having him here - I am utterly overjoyed. I moved from Flagstaff a year ago - out of The Nook - the funky, homey, and dilapidated house that I shared with Tommy, but despite the time - it is like nothing has changed. 

So, this last week has been magic. I feel really happy and thankful for all of the people I have in my life. Around Christmas time I was seeing photos of friends having reunions back home and I wasn't getting a chance to talk to my family too much, so I was feeling a little lonely. It's funny though - the way life works here - when I start getting a little bit lonely or down, something remarkable happens. A year is a long time, but it can pass in the blink of an eye - so far in 2012, I'm having my mind blown by life, trying to get a grip on this roller coaster, standing starry eyed, vulnerable, and welcoming to the endless possibilities.

Somewhere Outside Of Flagstaff

Painted nails, like galaxies,
instigate dream journeys to Pluto's sky -
of whirling leaves and ecstasy -
of walking railroad ties.

Where music enveloped moonlight -
romance followed 'art walking' flannel folk.
Winter coaxed us into green rooms,
or to speak easy when we spoke.

Remember holding coffee close,
sinking into sofas as though enmeshed?
Hanging onto morning while the world froze -
letting whispered secrets coalesce?

Take 66 through the fifty,
linger in ponderosas, catch your breath.
Know that guarding hearts with whiskey
won't change the wind or break what's left.

Here, stars adorn night differently
leaving lost girls gazing in swirls of paint
Pluto, too, may be forgotten soon,
but trains and tides can't wait.

Tarantino This Train Wreck

DJ NIKKI DUBS' NEW YEAR'S WEEKEND

(Tarantino This 4 Day Train Wreck)

Prologue:

I arrived in Thailand on New Year's Eve, 1 year ago. Though exhausted from 3 days of traveling, I allowed myself to be scooped up by a group of ex-pats and taken to the party city of Patong for a full on night out. Let's just say - Patong. blew. my. mind.

Look, I was a 22 year old girl. I had been to Vegas before and I thought that I had seen some shit. I thought that living close to Nevada and having the luxury of a few nights out in that crazy Vegas town had prepared me for the world of sexual explicitness and party places that cater to the the philosophy of: if you can dream it, you can do it. False. I was not prepared. Patong does not have rules. It does not have reason. It is what you fear and hope for in Thailand. 

The Present.

Wednesday at 7:00 p.m. 
I'm sick. Head throbbing, nose running, and my body convulsing in coughing fits.
I'm using a Honda motorbike key on a Yamaha.
No debit card.
My body - covered in bruises to the point that it looks like I'm beaten at home.
Road rash all up my arm.
Ant bites covering my right butt cheek.
Lost cell phone.
My motorbike - thrashed.
Gym key - rocketed into the jungle at the bottom of Kata hill.

One year in Thailand and my life: shambles. 

Let's Tarantino this.

Friday night: Electro Dance Party. I went out with a few of my friends to the beach for a DJ competition and dance extravaganza. It was amazing. A-Mazing. If you haven't figured out how much I love electronic music by this point, let me be clear, I LOVE IT! However, decisions were made. Mistake #1: I disregarded my own smarts/party advice and didn't wear my fanny pack! I went with a clutch as the keeper of my personal belongings and in a fit of joy - threw down the clutch on stage - where it was collected by someone who was not my friend, nor party ally.

That's right, my purse with my cell phone, my debit card, and my motorbike key was scooped up by some participant in the Countdown Dance Party - leaving me without any of the necessary items for conducting my day to day operations. Blast!

Saturday morning: 4 a.m. (Finishing Dancing)

The crew gives up on getting back my clutch and we pile into a tuk tuk taxi towards home. I get to my motorbike...and check out this security concern - Ross, my housemate, has a Honda motorbike key that ends up unlocking and starting my Yamaha motorbike! WHAT??! Yes, fact. With a substitute motorbike key, I drove my bike home and immediately pass out for the night.

Saturday afternoon: 12 p.m. (New Year's Eve)

Though still a little groggy, I started to make moves. I successfully went to the bank, took out money, unpacked my spare cell phone (at 15 dollars for a phone here - people tend to have a backup), and stated to get my life back together after a whirlwind of a night. I had been hired to work that evening in Patong (crazy party city) to host a New Year's party at a resort on the beach (due to my understanding of the English language), so I had to get my game face on for another wild night out. My friends wanted me to call myself "DJ Nikki Dubs" hahaha - honestly? I had to explain that I wasn't a DJ, just a host for a gala event. A fancy resort party thing - definitely not a place for me to take on the roll of DJ Nikki Dubs!...or fuck with the party! You stop that, meow, ya hear? (I don't take advantage of speaking a foreign language enough.)

Saturday night: 7 p.m. - Midnight.

I'm at the resort and it is looking like it is going to be one of the most fun New Year's yet. Let's just say that the hotel was ballin' out. They had more seafood and international cuisine than I had ever seen for an event in Thailand, scheduled events like Cabaret, Thai martial arts, a fantastic band, and a non English speaking audience. I could do no wrong. I immediately went into server mode from my waitressing days and it worked. I went up to all of the tables, spoke to Finish families in broken English, and apparently schmoozed with Malaysian celebrities. It was a ton of fun and it was just laid back for me. Since I was one of the only fluent English speakers - no one could really tell if I was making sense or being informative about the events in any way - nor did they care. I ended up just playing silly games with people, giving away prizes, and talking a lot of shit. I had no idea what I was doing, but the hotel thought that I did a great job, so mission accomplished? At midnight, I was still in control of the microphone (who thought that was a good idea?), on stage with a bottle of champagne, and initiating the countdown with a group of belligerent Bulgarians and Thai ladyboys. Yup, it was super bizarre, but amazing.

Sunday morning: 1 a.m. (New Year's Night)

I hit the party scene. Everyone was fighting the traffic, picking up booze, and meeting up in the heart of Patong - carried along by the intensity of the night. The bars and clubs could barely contain the crowds armed with silly sting, buckets of alcohol, and rage in their hearts. There were beach parties, New Year's mayhem, and some of my favorite people on the island to see.

 Ross, Tom, and I out and about - seconds before Ross started dancing on the poll directly behind us. 

Yup.....who says you can't smoke while pole dancin'?

Mistake #2: No that is not a bow. Joe put his head in the line of fire of a...well, firework. He visited a hospital shortly after and was the first one of our friends to need medical attention while ringing in the new year. (Little did I know that by the morning we would end up with 2 out of about 10 of us injured in some way....not good odds.)

Sunday morning: 6:30 a.m. (Still dancing)

Sunday morning: 7:30 a.m. (Sun is up - still partying)


Sunday morning: 8:00 a.m.
I'm on my motorbike, sober, but exhausted. Beyond exhausted - dead on my feet. I was at the exhausted state where it was dangerous to be operating a motor vehicle and I knew it. I pulled over at what looked like a little hotel and had a conversation with my shoulder angels:

Good reason angel: "Look, Nicola, you are falling asleep - you should just get a hotel room for a couple of hours to sleep and chill before driving home."
Bad reason angel: "Girl, you have to leave for a climbing trip in 5 hours. Get your ass home! It is 30 minutes to your casa - just get real, get on your bike, and get on with it. Quit wasting time."

(Mistake #3)
I spent 10 minutes going back and forth between the two rationals before I got on my bike and started the journey to my house. I was driving over the last hill to my house - in half sleep mode - when I felt myself jolt awake. I woke up just in time to see myself slam right into the back of another motorbike driving up Kata hill (One of the largest hills on the way back to my place). Still in sleep mode, I was like a rag doll - maybe what saved my life. My motorbike slid out from underneath me and I hit the asphalt. Immediately I felt like I had been rocked. I got up slowly and the man who had been on the other bike and had avoided going down - grabbed my bike, the remainders of my scattered belongings, and turned them over to a keeled over Nicola on the side of the road. It took me about 5 minutes for me to get my barrings, as I was definitely feeling the crash and my hip was immediately killing me.

Sunday afternoon: 12 p.m.

At home. I wake up to Ross calling me to get ready for our climbing trip. I'm in shambles. I can't walk. My hip is hurting so badly that I can barely move. We decide to bail on climbing and Ross takes me to the hospital. At my quaint little hospital, complete with blatant religious affiliation, luckily the x-rays show no broken bones, so I hobble away with crutches andddd, actually, an injection of pain medication - not to be administered by a physician - but by meeeee. Ummm...wow, not ready for that type of initiative. Nicola at 12 p.m. on Sunday: less dignity than before, but lucky as hell.

Monday night: 12 a.m. (Mistake #4: drinking with friends at their place and waiting for the late night DJ to come on at 2 a.m.)

Tuesday afternoon: 12 p.m. (Mutha Fuckin' Cherry On Top)
I came home after Monday's night of escapades with a bag of chips and a jar of salsa - which I proceeded to devour. After spending the morning at the beach, hung over me scooped up my cat to cuddle with him in my hammock. I felt a little bit of discomfort on my side. "Wow", I thought, "that sand is a little rough." False, it was not sand. Suddenly, feeling a million little stings on my ass, I jump out of the hammock to discover that one rouge chip was being snacked on by a pack of fire ants and I now had about 20 little demon ants biting the hell out of my butt cheek! Are you kidding me????? Hahaha fire ants! Throw me a god damn bone here!

Tuesday night 12: (Sickness brewing and I'm convinced that I'm dying.)

And that brings us to the present.....

Wednesday night: 7 p.m. (Actually dying....kinda)
After a day of school (a.k.a. my normal life), I'm sick, without any of my possessions, bruised, battered, scraped, bitten, and feeling the toll of Thailand. On my 1 year anniversary in Thailand, I made it full circle to Patong, had my first motorbike accident, realized that I must have damaged my frontal lobe, because I am a lucky piece of shit for being able to walk away from the weekend with just Thai tattoos (scars) and fire ant bites, but no broken bones or serious injuries....except to my dignity.

Disclaimer: (I am really embarrassed about the crash that I had and I am unbelievably thankful that I didn't seriously hurt anyone else or myself.)

Epilogue:
2011 went out with a bang, a crash, a night of chaos, and celebrations of epic proportions. I understand that I have been living as though on a roller coaster for a year now, but I'm finding my groove. In fact, I just ended up telling my school that I want to do another year here. Yes, I want to do another year despite the 4 days of chaos that I just struggled through. I'm finding a place to live for the next bit of time here and it looks like I'm staying put for a little while longer. I've learned some lessons this last year, battled through some emotional hardships, been beaten down by Thailand in many ways, learned about the amazing culture and language here, found friendship, love in my surroundings, and family in unexpected places. Maybe this New Year's weekend is a representation of my life here - a whirlwind of tests - mentally and physically, challenges, adventures, good times, epic memories, and cultural clashes - blossoming into a magical life. I'm still not a real adult - my frontal lobe is still not all there...but 8 year old Nicola is up and kicking, living out a dream, and exploring the possibilities of a new year.

Here's to 2012. "Cheers" my friends, or as we say in Thailand, "Choke dee!"