This is 40, Unchained, and Violent

Understanding the daily struggles of a wealthy suburbanite family is no small feat. Oh, there's the children, the school obligations, the whole spousal sexual relationship to think of, and, of course, pool cleaning, financial responsibility, BMW driving, and catered parties to attend to. In the film, 'This is 40', we are brought into a glamorized world where cupcakes are bountiful, personal trainers are on hand, and yet, despite the glitz and the glamor, sadly, life's little challenges and disappointments stand true. Or, in this instance, are thrown in your face.

Though I laughed out loud at many of the comic relief moments (in particular the outtakes), I was a little baffled when I walked out of the movie. My friend asked rhetorically, "Aren't you happy you aren't stressed out after watching that movie and aren't desensitized to violence?", referring to the fact that he had campaigned heavily to see 'This is 40' instead of 'Django Unchained', stating that the comedic relief in the film, Django Unchained, was used to make the audience laugh at the overwhelmingly violent scenes, a technique that had made him uncomfortable during his viewing of the movie. Though I haven't seen the Tarantino production, I couldn't help but think that the romantic comedy, I had just viewed, was doing something of the same thing.

What didn't sit right with me was the way that the couple treated one another. Tension runs high in the film, escalating to incredibly painful interactions between the two characters, as the movie attempts to explore the "reality" of midlife relationships. But, the problem I have is that, actually, it really does make me stressed out to watch characters delve into their complex relationship drama and inability to communicate with one another in front of the audience, repeatedly, and without restraint. I think it is violent to treat people with disrespect and for that to be set on a stage, mixed into American dreams, so that the audience leaves the theater attempting to relate it to their relationship drama or how their own personal goals for success, family, and life in general, align with the movie's portrayal of what's desirable. It makes me think, "Is watching a destructive relationship acted out on the big screen, really any less violent than seeing a person pulled apart by dogs in Django?" Spoiler Alert. Whoops.

My friend and I talked after the movie about couples and the way that healthy communication is fostered. He told me that his parents were both incredible communicators. I laughed. (His parents are both therapists.) But, what about all of us non-therapists? In an article I read in The Telegraph, "romantic comedies make us unrealistic about relationships". They say this is because though many people understand that relationships take hard work and open communication, many movie viewers internalize unrealistic expectations about relationship perfection.

'This is 40' doesn't portray a perfect relationship, but it does glamorizes a certain kind of relationship. Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd live an idealized life that looks perfect on the outside. While the audience is distracted by shiny houses and cars, stressful social interactions are downplayed, emotionally destructive relationship squabbles occur, the audience is drawn in to laugh at communication failures, accepting them as part of "the deal", and finally, we forget about the fact that the characters never achieve any emotional growth on either the individual or the relationship level. After all, these kinds of movies are successfully marketed to a certain demographic that may, too easily, accept these elements without ever stopping to think about the functionality of the relationship being shown. So, there is a market for this. This is made to be presented as "normal life" and I think that's kind of a big deal.

My sister harped, "It's just a movie; you don't have to think about it so seriously." Well, if we aren't critical about "rom-coms" where are we left? Are we supposed to accept that? If the report in The Telegraph, on university research findings, holds true and many of us are becoming unrealistic about our understanding of relationships, doesn't exposure to relationship drama, desensitize us to it and therefore have almost equal or larger implications in our lives as being desensitized by physical violence?

Whatever, yeah, it is just a movie, and maybe I've just got beef with rom-coms, but I truly do believe that, on a real level, we should not laugh off bickering arguments, or bicker-ments, if you will, as just the way people are. We should not accept disrespect as run of the mill, familial push and pull. I believe that we have to act with love and we have to be ruthless in our demand for love and peace in our interactions. Regardless of financial or social standing, "love" is a daily struggle and I think to accept the movie solely as a rom-com without being critical leaves us in a similar state as Django, watching relationship warfare, unchained.

Posole

In the southwest, we cook a ceremonial corn dish, Posole, to celebrate our blessings and bring good luck to our families during the new year. Yesterday, I started cooking Posole and mixing up some of the spiciest red chile I can handle, as my attempt to bring good luck and blessings my way. It's just that, holy cow, 2012 sure smacked me around. Intentionally, too! Yes, 2012 was bare-knuckled and ruthless, but as my friend and I discussed over breakfast this morning, we go through the tough, "my life is falling apart!", crises, to gain tools for the future. And, I personally believe that 2013 is going to be magical due to the tools and lessons collected throughout the course of this crazy last year. It is because of these skills that we will be open to the possibilities of the new year in ways we otherwise would not have been. So, I have to say, "shine on, 2013", and, "thank you, 2012, for the strength you have given me".  (This is how I deal with life's disappointments - like a positivity junkie trying to look at the world not as much along the lines of "good and bad" experiences, but more in the sense of good times and learning experiences.)

I knew that coming back to America would be one big ol'...learning experience. I knew that things would not be easy with my family life, but I also had spent almost two years sitting on an island and soul searching, so I stopped running and returned with just about the necessary strength to confront the painful elements of my life. Undesirably, it ended up being much more difficult than I had imagined.

Then, a month ago, I was sitting in the climbing gym when a fellow climber who also happens to be an artist, healer, and devotedly religious individual, spontaneously asked if he could pray for me, because he sensed trouble with my family. I don't think I've ever really had anyone pray for me, but though we were sitting on crash pads, I guess I figured it had to be as good of a place as any to receive my first prayer. So, he said his prayer.

Sometimes the intensity of "God-stuff" can be a little much for me, but I felt as if we shared something really powerful and intimate despite the vastly different labels we use for our beliefs. Regardless of my own religious affiliation, his prayer about reuniting my family and bringing strength to us to help us heal and forgive one another, stuck me deeply since this individual had never spent any significant amount of time with me other than evenings pulling on plastic in the local climbing gym. There was no way for him to have any knowledge of my family's suffering, a deeply personal struggle, which has consumed a lot of my time and energy since my return to America. It was as if my life seemed to expose itself to him like I had a flashing neon sign over my head that said, "Family-Drama Queen - Yo, This Girl Needs Help". The whole experience was intense. I pushed it to the back of my mind, but as Christmas approached and happenstance would transpire in a way that allowed me to spend the holidays with my mom, sister, boyfriend, my sister's room mate, and my mom's friend, for what would be the best Christmas my family has shared in years, it was as if I lived out the prayer. Heather, my sister, and I were stunned. We couldn't believe the love, the happiness, and the peace that collected around our rag-tag family unit and allowed us to celebrate such an occasion in the highest of spirits despite the last couple months of intense pain. We all needed to be together as part of our healing. We had to be and despite the varying itineraries, in large part due to my attempt to leave the country, and "life-stuff" pulling in a multitude of directions, we got our Christmas together. Life's funny like that.

What I didn't get for Christmas, however, was some job security. After being strung along for months regarding my departure for Korea, my prospective employer changed my arrival date one last time and then retracted my job offer entirely. Bags packed, two weeks notice given, and good byes shared, I awaited my next big step in vain.

What I couldn't have foreseen, though, was that I needed Christmas to heal, I needed my family to be reunited, emotionally, after our struggles, and none of this would have been possible if I was on a flight headed halfway around the world. Next day, bummed about my job drama, I walked into the climbing gym and I saw the guardian angel climber. He asked me about my Christmas and I immediately started gushing about how awesome it had been, how I had been with my mom, sister, and a crew of new-found family members, and how I couldn't have been happier about it. He nodded almost knowingly and my mind somersaulted back to the words he shared with me, sitting in the same location just weeks before, he had said a prayer for me that was just that...reunited family, healing, love, strength, forgiveness.

Now, I look towards 2013 with much uncertainty, yet certainty just the same. My plan had been set: go to Korea, save money, live out my dream. However, since moving back to America, so much has changed in my life, that "certainty" now makes me think only of my priorities and love for the people around me. Though parts of being back in New Mexico have been dark and ugly, the tools that I've picked up make me feel like the ultimate video game character with star speed, strawberry health, and mushroom super-size. I feel good when I think about what life has dealt and my ability of responding in a, "I'm not running anymore", way. In a, "I'm strong enough to deal with this, because I meet the world with love and positivity that starts within me", way. In a, "my mind and my heart are certain", way, for that's all we ever have at the end of it all anyway. My tumultuous time here threw out my "Zip-a-dee-do-dah" idea I had that I would be able to give some high fives for a month of being in The States, and then high tail it to Korea before life could really sink in and I'd have to feel anything. Luckily, my plans didn't work out. I say that this was lucky, because it forced me to face difficult truths. Although the confrontation was uncomfortable, I've learned that life can't be calculated, mapped, or planned, because the future is unpredictable and it is our ability to roll with it, bend with it, prevail despite it, that prepares us for something greater. Maybe I'll make it to Korea this year; maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay in Santa Fe; maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be scraping together loose change for the next few months, but will be rich in this world's good graces. Whether you believe December 21st, 2012 brought about a bunch of unwarranted hype or a significant change in global consciousness, I believe that the end of the year brought an opportunity for love and healing, the chance to see that with struggle we see our blessings, with pain we learn of our strengths, and with each life happening, only good times and learning experiences.

We make holiday dishes with consideration for the meaning behind our traditions. This year, because I was not in Korea, I got to make Posole.

Shine on, 2013.