Wanting It All and Not Wanting To Wait

Back in November, I had my heart set on a car, a house, graduate school, and living happily ever after. I told Phil that if I could have it all, I would be driving my car towards our house into the the sunset of school success and family support. Or something like that. Basically, I was having a really hard time accepting that I couldn't just check off all of the items from my dream list with one single stroke.

Life isn't always like that. Sometimes it is a journey, whether that fits with our plans or not.

With school and the car taken care of, my sights have been set on the house. Then, there was a kink in the road. I just received some news that indicates that the loan that we qualified for, might not be what secures us the house. My mom says that the appraisal resulted in a higher interest rate than she was expecting. This means that we need more money up front than we were originally planning on. The amount needed pushes the house outside of our affordable range.

This is tough. I had my heart set on this house and all that it represented. House in the clouds shit.

So, what can I do here? Give up on the dream of the house or sit tight and look for other options? The reality is that I have gotten really good at dealing with the hurdles that life throws at me. I know that this whole ordeal has been a test of my heart and strength. I told my partner, Phil, and my sister, Heather, that I'm not stressed yet. I'm not stressed because I believe that this is the house for us. I don't want to give up hope yet and I believe that there has to be another way to make this happen.

From my experience, there has always been another way. Or, at the very least, this journey has taught me that though my plans don't always determine the course of the road, I need to keep hoping and dreaming just the same.

Trinity Mountains outside of Arcata http://www.wilderness.net/NWPS/enlargeAndDetails?id=2499

Finding the Way

It's been some time since I was last writing and I think that it has been because of all of the difficulties in finding my way. I just chuckled as I reread my blog title. Isn't that what this is supposed to be about?

In the more recent past, I found myself in a small town in California, working at a gear store, moving constantly and unsure of the meaning of my life. Why so disorienting? Well, I've always seemed to have some sort of plan. I'm not saying I haven't had hopes concerning where I might be moving towards, but in the last couple of years, I have been changing the nature of things.

I discovered a couple of simple things: I want to grow things from the ground, climb, cultivate meaningful relationships, pursue education and be a good person.

Interestingly enough, when I moved to Thailand I also outlined a couple of simple dreams: live on an island, eat spicy food, use my degree and climb.

Comparatively, both moves were leaps of faith. Phil and I didn't know what we would find when we settled in Arcata and we absolutely didn't find what we were looking for. Nothing went according to plan. Then, everything seemed to fit as if following some kind of plan. Shocking. We both found jobs. Phil began attending Humboldt State University (HSU). I started volunteer coaching the debate team on campus. Phil started competing on the debate team and turned out to be amazing. (No surprise from me.) I applied to HSU's masters program and met amazing people who had connections to my past. These people ended up being important links, resulting in my acceptance. However, as much as these events have appeared serendipitous, they weren't without struggle.

In the last year we have moved four times. We have felt the loneliness of being far from home. We have interrogated our selves and our dreams as one does when removed from their comfort zone. We have shouldered unprecedented levels of stress and we have weathered financial struggles greater than anything we have experienced in our adult lives. No stranger to poverty in other capacities, the ability to make things work became a necessity.

Sometimes it isn't pretty. Sometimes the lessons we learn are not gentle. I discovered that I wanted to do a couple of things in order to find myself. Through these simple things, I'm learning. I'm able to do a lot of what I want in this area, but I've been a little more quiet. Perhaps that's a lesson too.





Photo Credit: Bartcop.com