When I was about nine years old, I was terrified of the wolf from Peter and the Wolf. I'm serious, but it's justifiable because we had a totally frightening record that my dad used to put on the ol' record player (that's right kids, before the whole iPod deal...when things still had to spin to make sound...) that basically left the creation of the wolf to your imagination. Aided by low, bellowing horns, the ominous presence of the wolf would consume our living room as my sister and I grappled with the fear of this children's story. Imagine a light melody of flute music signifying a fluttering little bird and a narrator recounting the presence of this fearful wolf who finally eats the little bird to the sound of a thunderous horn section! True life. This meant that, for longer than I care to mention, when it was time for bed, I would get a running start and essentially long jump straight into pillows and a mountain of stuffed animals in order to avoid any run-in with a wolf lurking under my bed. Yes, welcome to my childhood traumas.
I'm happy to say, sometime between ages nine and twenty-four, I conquered my fear of wolves, most closet monsters, and perfected my karate chopping abilities to the misfortune of "Mr. Bear", just in case I had to take on "Chuckie". (Credit to Philip Santos for that one.) Graduated to the life of a brave and ninja-like adult, I was over the whole "fear" thing. That is, until I realized that being an adult meant a whole mess of weirdo adult fears like "emotions", "failure", and "the unknown". What??
When I came across the article, 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy, the part about giving up on fears really resonated with me. I had just discussed my fears of the week - I say, "of the week" because, shoot, my fears change all of the time - fear of the unknown, fear of stagnation, of not meeting my expectations, not meeting other people's expectations, loving another person, letting myself be vulnerable with another person, of loss... yikes - the list goes on and on. The article says, "give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place."
We all know that fear is an illusion and existing only our minds, but we continue to let fear permeate our lives. As my friend said on the phone today, she knows that she is holding back with her boyfriend, but she doesn't know why. We talked about it our fears, acknowledging that we are all scared, and justifiably so. We have our own reservations or "baggage", whatever you want to call it. We are all trying to figure out this crazy life and how to love each other when there are no guarantees. I said to my friend, jokingly, "...wouldn't it be nice if we could get all of the benefits of loving someone without having to risk...anything?" Yeahhhhh...but life doesn't work that way and you can't get to love without lowering the shield and letting yourself be seen. It is scary and it can be painful, but it can also be beautiful. Our lives are riddled with fears of our own creation and it is up to us to run towards them instead of away from them - conquering them in order to live free of their control and open to the possibilities of this life.
Recently, I've started practicing running towards my fears. When I've seen something creeping up from the shadows, I've turned to face it, instead of bolting in the name of self-preservation. I've begun admitting to myself and to those around me - "I'm jealous of this...I feel scared of that...I'm afraid because...etc." Do I still have fear? Ummm...yeahhhh. Yet, it is empowering to address fears, seeing what they really look like, and realizing that they don't have anything on me - if I don't let them.
I'm no longer afraid of wolves under my bed, not just because I've realized that it is just highly unlikely that an endangered creature could make its way into my house undetected, and claim the darkness underneath my bed as it's home, but because one day, I (as my nine-year-old self) marched into my bedroom, armed with a flashlight, and I crawled under that bed to see what was really going on under there. Where the scariest wolf was supposedly living, I found dust and a picture of my crush, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. (Yes, it was the 90's...) Horns weren't playing and I was safe, because my fear was an illusion. I had faced what I considered the scariest place in my room to find that there wasn't and never had been a wolf to be afraid of. Present day, I'm a twenty-something, karate chopping, adult ninja. I still hang on to shields and swords when confronting many of life's fears, but I'm starting to realize that the armor I carry is more of a hinderance than a help. Instead, I'm running in a different direction and though scared of pain, loss, love, failure, future, and all the rest, I'm exposing wolves under the bed as dust bunnies and opening myself up to the possibilities of life and love.
