'Bout to Get Real REAL Serious

The month of March is upon us. Yes, March. Mind blowing, I know. This would be spring in America, well probably not in the devil's armpit, which is, of course, Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix - a place where the weather may or may not shift slightly, but overall, the sweltering inferno of an environment, the UGG boots & mini skirts, arctic air conditioning cooling urban sprawl, retirees flocking to arid golf courses, and yes, the feeling that you are in a place where God did not intend to have people live, will remind you of where you are. (The only thing I like about Phoenix, is the band...named Phoenix, though not actually from Phoenix. Oh, and the fast food chain: In-'n-Out...though also not actually from Phoenix.)

So, March. Well, it was not so long ago that I was talking to a friend of mine about doing a marathon set for June - comforted by the countless months between the conversation and the looming marathon. During this conversation, I might have allowed myself to be lured into committing to the running event due to the belief that I had ample time to prepare for it. I might have even started training shortly after. This is all actually true, but the fact that March is waiting just around the corner (only a few months from June) means that, as my friend Jason exclaimed, "Things are 'bout to get real real serious." That's pret-ty serious.

When anyone decides to commit themselves to an activity, such as a marathon, everyone has their own, personal motivations. For myself, it broke down like this:

First, I figured that it was about that time of year for me to do something that didn't involve poisoning myself. Listen, I'm on vacation mode; this is a vacation. What goes hand in hand with island holidays? Cheap alcohol, that's what. Side note: One of the many reasons I have always been baffled by pregnant women is due to the fact that I think it is incredible that people are able to stay sober for 9 months. Now, let me backtrack before I get stuck in this hole! Look, I know that people can make that decision easily...I just didn't know why they would ever want to...

Okay, maybe I'll just leave that whole thing alone.

Personally, I tend to go through these little phases where I assert, "I'm not drinking!", and try to stick to it for X amount of time. It is like a mini detox, an attempt to restore balance to my life. Plus, a marathon is a great excuse.

Secondly, I'm trying to save money so that I can travel for the entirety of April and not have to stress about not having a job when May comes along. Despite our local supply of beer and Thai whiskey being extremely cheap, we all know that alcohol has a tricky way of adding up...
Side Note #2: (I really should just have footnotes.) I am not signing another year long contract. Instead, I will be teaching private English lessons to individual students and then looking for part-time work after my month-long-VACATION!!

Third, I love doing things that push me out of my comfort zone. I did a couple of triathlons in high school, but that was when I was in shape from soccer and doing something like a triathlon didn't seem like a big deal. I didn't really train, but instead, kind of just signed up and showed up. (It actually was a big deal though. Haha. I wasn't fantastic at triathlons.) Now, it just seems like it might be a fun thing to train for and a cool thing to compete in.

So, I'm marking February 27th as my official start of a non-drinking binge. That's right. I'm taking a break and I'm writing it here so that I feel a little bit more accountable. Until the official start of my actual holiday, March 23rd, I shalt shun alcohol. :) I shalst attempt to forget the taste of a cold Chang (thai beer) on the beach and the sweet nectar of rubbing alcohol masquerading as whiskey.

For as I hear about real real serious marathon running, you can really only choose one option - option A, B, or C. You can not, however, choose all of the above.

OPTION A

OPTION B

OPTION C

Coincidentally, "cheers" in Thai also means "good luck", however, I'm going to work my butt off to not use that first interpretation during my 26 Days of sobriety and real real serious training...see you on the other side! :) Choke dee kah! 

Calvin Harris Groupie

Take Me To The Candy Shop/I May Or May Not Be a Calvin Harris Groupie.

Living outside of America and away from the music scene there, feels like being a kid with their face pressed up against the glass window of a candy store. I can still see the assortment of beautiful live music, concerts, and festivals happening on the other side. I still ogle line ups. I am teased by e-mail updates and mailing lists, but ultimately, my emotions are toyed with, because my pane of glass, like the one that separates a child from peanut brittle and chocolate bars, looks like the Pacific Ocean and a flight back to America.


Right now, I am living vicariously through each and every person who has been or will be to a show in America between 2011 and 2013. Well, that might not be entirely true. There may be a few shows that I would pass on. For instance, I probably would not be going to Nickelback's Here and Now Tour, but if you are, alright, up to you...

What I'm getting at is that I have been experiencing some intense live music withdrawals. For this reason, it was important for me to go and see Calvin Harris, not once, but twice. The first time, he was playing in Bangkok at this great venue - Bed Supper Club. Not Super Club, though my friends tried a few times to change the name. However, calling it Bed Super Club wouldn't be that far off, despite it not being the name, because it essentially looks like a super space ship.

Calvin Harris went on and it was a lot of fun for sure, but overall, I have to say that he didn't have as much stage presence as I would have expected. He also wasn't really playing a lot of his stuff, so we concluded that the other DJs that opened for him, such as DJ Tech 12 (a local DJ), were a lot better. (We also usually judge events based off of dance space, thus being the first people to go crazy by the DJ stand meant that DJ Tech 12 made for a better expereince. Additionally, he was fusing hip hop and electro beats to keep it interesting and ignite the audience. We freakin' loved it!)

Calvin Harris meets Bangkok!

My group had an amazing time and rocked out wearing ties the entire night. Yes, ties - which was hilarious, but the photos captured were all on Tommy's camera and I was unfortunately either robbed by a lady boy or unknowingly donated it to her...errr him. So, the photos from the night were lost around 6 in the morning. It was a bummer. I believe Bob has a few, but he's off escapading (yes, escapades-ing) around the northern Thailand region, so perhaps, the photos will make an appearance in the future.

Okay, so I was pretty beat down by Bangkok, but I decided to venture with the Phuket crew to the Calvin Harris show numero dos that would be in Patong, Phuket. I wasn't sure what to expect, but he absolutely killed it in Phuket! Killed it. It was amazing. He had amazing stage presence! He was building the crowd up into a frenzy! There was a laser robot man who descended on the crowd in the middle of the performance, for God's sake! It was unreal, but it was also packed beyond belief. It was like being in a mash pit....filled with Patong bros. Look, I went to a public university and I don't need to rub shoulders with men on roids - I got that out of my system with Greek Life. (I'm emotional enough already, sweetie, I don't need you crying on me....or flexing at me...no, thank you.) The club, Seduction, hosted the event and though Calvin Harris did an amazing job, it was kind of overshadowed by the tsunami of people. This is what we were dealing with...

Holy shit, right??

 I mean, the show was amazing and there was a robot shooting lasers from robot laser guns!....but still....remember what I said about needing dance space? I'm trying to get up on the good foot!

Tommy and I in the bottom left corner...mean mugging!

Tommy's face! haha GET ME OUT OF HERE!

All I have to say is that I am on a perpetual mission to stomp a hole into the middle of the earth, but if I don't even have enough space to lift my feet to stomp...well, we've got a problem. "Dear Seduction, maybe saying a show is sold out wouldn't be a problem. Just try it. For a second. Just to see how it feels."

Overall, I was tremendously happy we went to both of the shows. They were incredible experiences, as expected, yet, at the end of the day, I'm still fantasizing over live music. I'm still missing being at shows - not just DJs, but shows. Shows! Let's-listen-to-music-all-day-at-festivals, shows! Oh, well. I'm still staring through glass as we move into summer festival mode in the states. I just hope that I can rock out in my tree house with enough beats to keep me satisfied until I get on that plane bound for that sweet sweet festival candy.

Where limitation is illusion...

Have you ever had a feeling that everything was about to change?


I'm not quite sure where to start this story. Perhaps, my inability to find a clear starting point stems from the fact that this story is an ongoing, building, and morphing adventure, thus, identifying the head on this dragon of a tale has proved to be very difficult. Does it start with the decision to go to see Calvin Harris in Thailand's capital city? Does it start with technical difficulties flying through the sky on my way back to Phuket? With Sigmund Freud, Herman Hesse, or at the beginning of my personal story - 23 years ago? With months of e-mails about the innerworkings of the world? With life, with love, with destiny? All I know, is that on February 18th 2012, I got this feeling that everything was about to change. I know this is dramatic, but check it:


I was flying back from Bangkok, after a larger-than-life proportions ragefest, when this feeling hit me. I had gone to the big city to see Calvin Harris with my friends, Bob, Tommy, Kenny, and Maggie, met two new friends and Bangkok residents, Amber and Lizzie, and had a grand old time. On the plane, making my way back to Phuket, everything began to align. (I was flying back a day earlier than Tommy, Kenny, and Maggie, because I have spent time in Bangkok before and I knew that Bangkok is like Vegas. It is a place where even marathon partiers will and do have their souls stolen.) So, on board the plane, a puddle jumper really - somewhere over unfamiliar-territory-Thailand, we were cruising through the night sky when the nose of the plane dipped. I'm not saying that the plane nose dipped like - "Let's dodge this cloud formation, shall we?" - dipped. It dropped hard and it felt, for a second, that we were going to head straight to the ground. I kid you not. Here I was, engrossed in Steppenwolf, one of Herman Hesse's most famous novels, when the plane abandoned it's planned trajectory and seemed en route for land. Now this was a little unsettling, to say the least, however, the scariest thing about being in a foreign country, is that when something unsettling happens to you, the language being used to describe said events of such a scenario is rarely English. (This is frequently the case in thrillers - something bad starts happening, there is a ton of confusion, and someone usually begins running around, demanding to know what is happening, while everyone converses in an unfamiliar language. That, and every language always sounds faster and more frantic than your native tongue...especially when you are stressed.)


Well, the plane crew announced over the intercom that we were returning to Bangkok, that we were experiencing plane difficulties, and that everyone must fasten their seat belts for safety.


I took out my notebook and I wrote: Everything in my life feels like destiny. Everything. If anything were to happen to me, I'd feel like it was too soon, but I 'd also feel like it was to do with some sort of larger plan. And then, just because I was feeling extra dramatic in my Steppenwolf inspired thoughts, I wrote a note to my friend, Charlie, the person who gave me the book in the first place. (Obviously in case my journal survived some sort of collision with the earth.)


I said, "Charlie - thank you. I'm finally reading Steppenwolf and everything about it matches this time in my life. I just read this passage and it especially stands out to me - 'Let the little way to death be as it might, the kernel of this life of mine was noble. It has purpose and character and turned not on trifles, but on the stars.'"


Everything I read from that point forward spoke to me and in a furry of excitement and a little bit of fear - until I was forced to put the book down. I was bombarded by this overwhelming sensation - the feeling previously mentioned - of butterflies, of roller coasters, of my heart in my throat, a feeling that I might puke all over myself due to anticipation and apprehension. I started feverishly writing. I came to the conclusion that something huge was about to happen. Huge. A world series, heart in your throat, can't jump high enough, can't smile wide enough, over the moon, reach for the stars, awareness. I scribbled as I attempted to transcribe my thoughts, frantic that I didn't have time to get it all down on paper - that if the moment passed, I would be unable to pin down this consciousness - to see it as it is - to understand it.


 I regurgitated this -


"I'm desperate to talk to someone about what I'm going through, but I'm left to delve into my emotions alone, confined by this miniature plane - like a capsule being shot across the sky. I'm experiencing a stress I've never felt before - as though my mind is being blown - as though everything that I have been stewing over for the last few months - destiny, magic, love, life, purpose - holy shit, holy shit - that it is all laid out in front of me by Herman Hesse - in the pages of Steppenwolf. I'm being truth bombed by shit that I can barely wrap my mind around, let alone articulate in my inelegant ways. Tucked in the pages of my novel, I found a letter from Tommy - a letter I received from him the day he left Flagstaff. It doesn't tell the future, but it is written during a time when we didn't know what would happen or that we would be in Thailand someday, yet there it is - almost a fortune. It starts with, "The transition you're about to experience is going to be magical." I used this letter as the book mark, for this Hesse novel - a book given to me by Charlie. Last February, I attempted to read the book, but I wasn't in the space for it. After a year of growing, changing, living, finding myself - I was reminded of the book - and upon restarting it, the book speaks to me with a power and a wisdom that I have been searching for. Self fulfilling prophecies? Prophecies? Perhaps both. As I bombard Charlie with e-mails about destiny and boundless question marks regarding personal ideology and philosophy - unbeknown to him - he gave me the answers a year ago, with Hesse.  Why does the world behave this way? Why does my life only work with magic, truth bombs, and earth shattering roller coasters? Perhaps, I'm on the brink of something unimaginable..."

Sunset in Tonsai

We switched planes in Bangkok. Round 2: trip to Phuket. A couple of hours later, I arrived in Phuket and went to reach in my bag for my motorbike keys. I couldn't find them. I went to the bathroom and emptied my entire backpack. No keys. I thought - "Do I even remember having them in Bangkok? Oh shit, maybe I left them in my motorbike!" I went outside to see if the bike was still in the parking lot. Luckily, it was, but my keys were not with it. I couldn't remember what I had done. I decided that I couldn't remember seeing them in Bangkok - taking them out of my bag or anything - so, I went to the almost nonexistent airport security office and began to try to explain my lost keys situation. The guys working at the office laughed at me - a silly blond girl - before I began speaking to them in the little Thai that I know. One of them left to check to see if any keys had been turned in....and they had them! They had my keys! Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable! Someone took my keys out of my bike and turned them in at the security office! Yes, my friends, in Thailand. That's the kind of country this is! Now, I'm not saying that that has anything to do with my plane epiphanies, destiny, and all the rest, but it was absolutely incredible - that right after I had the feeling of the universe testing me or something, I had this key thing happen. It was insane.


I got on my computer as soon as I got home and Charlie was online. I immediately relayed the events of the Bangkok adventure, the plane trip, the motorbike keys miracle, and realized that I don't know the first thing about how this world works. All I know is that I'm standing on a precipice. I'm completely dwarfed by the magnitude of this life, but I'm pretty sure Herman Hesse is an amazing author, that he seems to write as though answering dreams, and that limitation is illusion. Now, all I can do is wait and see what happens...

Stolen from my friend's Facebook.

Happenstance, get your shit together.

Friday afternoon, I walked out of my classes for the last time. Yes, I just finished a full academic year of teaching in Thailand. Who would have thought?! As I continue to ponder what the next few months hold for me, (I've been going back and forth on a couple of things.) it has been brought to my attention....

....that I'm totally wishy-washy!

I was driving my motorbike after my friend dropped this truth bomb on me. I was on my way to go and run at the beach, muttering - "I am not wishy-washy!" However, about halfway to the beach I changed my mind and went to the gym instead. Damn it! This is all just funny for me, because I used to consider myself a very decisive person. So decisive, in fact, that I was almost stubborn about it. I never changed my major in college. I never changed colleges. If I said I was going to do something - I did it. I've pretty much seen everything in my life through. I'm not really a quitter. I'm afraid of failing, but I usually don't quit. I've actually dragged shit out for longer than necessary, just because I've refused to quit. Why did I do this? Probably to satisfy obligations and expectations associated with getting good grades, having an A to B to C future, having perfect relationships, and keeping everything "shiny and glossy" on the outside. Meh, I'm learning about this now.

I remember getting my Law School Acceptance Test score (LSAT) score while I was traveling in Europe. On the morning that the scores were released, I rushed to the computer to see the "damage". (For those who have taken the LSAT know, the test is a real bitch. My best friend picked me up after the full day test and I was borderline blackout from exhaustion - craving sleep and an In-'n-Out grilled cheese. Months of studying, months of stressing, a day of testing, and I was about to pass the hell out...p.s. In-n'-Out makes some bomb grilled cheeses - secret menu status.) 

Well, low and behold, my scores weren't a disaster. I ended up scoring in the range that I needed in order to get into my dream schools. I was dreaming of environmental and indigenous rights law in California, Oregon, or Colorado, had worked my butt off in college, and was staying on the track that I had laid out for myself that first semester at university.

Hmmm. Well this news came at the beginning of my first world trip and by the time I got back from seeing the sights, meeting tons of new people, and doing a little bit of soul searching, I was second guessing all of my plans. Here I was, with everything I needed to follow through with what I'd always wanted, but I got cold feet. Call it the travel bug, fear, being burnt out, whatever; I had cold feet.

I never even applied. Instead, I accepted an internship in D.C. with the Arizona Congresswoman, Ann Kirkpatrick, after I graduated - an internship which morphed into a position running the Democratic Headquarters in Flagstaff. It was a great opportunity, but it still followed the momentum of plans, plans, expectations, plans.

Law school was the first thing I really backed out of. The first serious life plan that is. Without that direction, I immediately felt lost and overwhelmed. I thought - if I don't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?? There goes my plans! Without A to B to C, I started to think about what I wanted. I decided that with my college diploma that I wanted two things:
1. To use my degree for something.
2. To travel. 

I did both. I finished my job in Arizona, a job that ended with the face crushing of the Democratic Party in the 2010 midterm elections. High five, Arizona. Then, I got on a plane to Thailand.

Now, I'm a 23 year old teacher in Phuket, Thailand. I feel like I live in a dream world, as I am attempting to live life in a way that is in accordance with my own expectations and dreams. I know my parents are proud of me, so it takes away the parent-child pressure storm cloud. (They just wanted me to get my undergrad and now for them, it doesn't really matter what I do - they just want me to be happy.) Soooo...in light of all of this, I've become completely wishy-washy.  

Happenstance keeps changing my plans! 

If you don't have a single obligation, you can change your plans like changing pants or the weather (The 'wearing pants' or 'weather changing' examples don't really apply to Thailand though, since the weather is mostly hot and I only wear pants when I'm feeling pseudo-Thai.), but you get the idea. I've realized that it is just easy to go where you want and do what you want - that obligations are in our minds. I was trying to give a friend of mine a time table for where I would be come August, but I couldn't, because it just wouldn't be realistic. With no seasons, it doesn't really matter what time of year it is and I can't be tied down. I guess I'm getting a feeling of  "summer" now that my first year of teaching is ending, but because I don't have any obligations, nothing forces me to make any plans. Hah! Shoot!

Lastly, a friend was telling a group of us at dinner, what his plans were after leaving Phuket. He had it planned down to exact weeks! He told us where he was going and what he was going to be doing week by week....into the fall even! We all exchanged impressed, 'big man on campus', looks and I felt the urge to clap for him. Everyone at dinner felt like, "Damn, that's a lot of plans!" and we were honestly impressed. Haha, I'm serious.

My friend, Charlie, says I sound like a hippie. Maybe it's just Thailand's whatever ("mai pen rai") attitude rubbing off on me, maybe it's happenstance, maybe what I've got can't be bought, or maybe when obligations, expectations, and grid patterns stop factoring into my decision calculus, wishy-washy becomes what chu wishing? :)

Turns out, all my plans start and end with dreams.

Selfish Children Need Altruism and Oscar Wao

“It's never the changes we want that change everything.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

In the last two days, I've felt overwhelmed by an aching in my heart for the people in my life who are down and hurting. For the record, I'm in no way trying to flex some altruism at you - I'm a selfish child and definitely can't get by feigning selflessness. Yeah....not possible and not realistic. What I'm trying to say is that I'm really just having a hard time shouldering my parent's separation and my family's struggles. (I also really hate the vagueness of my "struggles" and I wish I could be honest about everything, but this stuff is still new and I therefore I can't disclose everything here in case it hurts someone that I've been talking about it.) That being said, I will do my best to speak openly and truthfully about what I'm going through, because I know that many people have been/are in similar situations.

In general, the issue I'm grappling with is: when witnessing suffering, what, as individuals, is our role?

For myself, I find myself wishing that I could jump into superhero mode and fix it all, take away the stress, and cure the heartache with 'let me just comfort you'. Standard, right? Selfishly - I feel just so damn guilty all of the time - so fucking guilty. It kills me that I can't be there to solve anything and that ultimately it has to be up to other people to make choices for their own lives, but my heart is hurting in the process. I've delved into this a little bit, when my mom visited, in my post Loy Krathong Means Letting Go, but it is really difficult for me to talk about. Sometimes I wish I that I could just blog about raging and being all smiley in the land of smiles, but that wouldn't be honest. So, honestly, it is very difficult for me to watch people struggle right now. Weird, right? Ugh, I just want to make jokes and be sarcastic through this post, but I'm trying to be serious. Maybe this is the only issue that the heart starts to thaw a bit over...


Even beyond my own aching, when we see people we care about on destructive paths - either caused by their own actions, or perhaps due to outside life-happenings, what is our role? Is there something that we can do in this position? Is there something that we ought to do in these scenarios?


In one of my favorite books, The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz, a boy named Oscar is searching for love through a mixed up life that seems to never cut him a break. There is another character in the book who either antagonizes Oscar, constantly comes to Oscar's rescue, or resorts to pushing Oscar to make changes and to stop his sad slide through life. However, the battle is bigger than just a few nudges in a different direction and Oscar is ultimately never "shaken awake", but follows his own course.

I muse, "Are people destined for negative outcomes or is there something that can be done to avoid these destructive paths." Moreover, how come some people get caught up in  hopeless spirals where they don't know how to get to the surface, but some people learn how to kick? What is the determining factor that sets us apart from each other?

“That’s life for you. All the happiness you gather to yourself, it will sweep it away like it’s nothing. If you ask me I don’t think there are any such things as curses. I think there is only life. That’s enough.”
― Junot Díaz

I don't know what the answer is. I mean, the character in the book doing the nudging is trying everything he knows to encourage Oscar strive for a more social and 'happier' life. However, he is never really able to get through to Oscar. What does that mean for the rest of us? Can we 'shake' people awake - get them to snap out of 'it' (their state of depression, antisocial behavior, or perhaps even perpetual bad decision making)? Or, how can we/how should we participate in another person's life in a guiding sense? Is it even our role to do 'guiding' in any sense? (Who are we after all??) Is it fair for me to try to reach out to people struggling or is love all about just being there to support the ones that we care about and encourage them to pursue what they think is best for themselves? From my book example - was it Oscar's life experiences that cursed him to lead a life absent of love, or is Junot Diaz attempting to say that Oscar got what he was after at the end of the book - despite it being an unhappy ending in a traditional sense?

I know this part of the tirade doesn't give any answers, but poses more questions...yet, I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this whole thing. I always say that I think that the point of life is learning how to love and perhaps I'm running the risk of getting personal, but I'm trying to understand how to love in light of this heavy feeling. This is what I'm struggling with. It's the realization that life keeps changing and rising new challenges for us all that scares me, makes me feel weak, and leaves me feeling like a child in unfamiliar darkness. I want to know about love and permanence and 'let me save you with my arms', but, this week, I'm left searching between the lines of best sellers for the medicine to cure a heartache.

Flagstaff Nostalgia

Are there places in this world that have a piece of your heart?

I always say that my 'heart strings' are tied up in different places due to the amazing people and experiences that I've had. Flagstaff, Arizona is one of those places that continues to hold a piece of my heart. Tommy and I lived in this rad little house covered in movie posters and tapestries; a little nook and comfy spot where we seemed to always have someone showing up to cook good food (family style), stretch out, destroy the calm with electronic dance beats and Little Wayne records before a night out, or to just chill and enjoy our space for a little while. 

I am obsessed with my life in Flagstaff and the memories we shared there. (Sure, I'm a nostalgic little crab who likes to hang on to the past - I get that.) Well, Tommy just passed on some photos from our last night out together. As normal, we ended up back at our house after the bars - still dancing around to Gabor's newest mixes (Gabor is a good friend of mine, but also a sick DJ. Do yourself a favor and check out his stuff.) and allowed the chaos to take over. Much love, Flagstaff folks; you've still got a bit of my heart.

And for the record, maybe it is okay to hang on to the past just a little bit. I am always being told to live in the present and not to get caught up in 'the past' - for it is and always will be 'the past', but I can't seem to shake Flaggytown out of my system - not yet, at least. Perhaps, I don't have to.

Zoey and Delia

Seriously dancing. Hah!

I just like this.

It's the people and the places that make us. It's the love that we share that has taught me lessons, made me passionate, and helped to pick me up during hard times. I want to say that it has something to do with magic, but I know that it's just that being friends with cartoon characters creates a life that starts off as fantasy and ends with 'look out for the possibilities'. <3

I wish I could love anything as much as I love...

I wish I could love anything as much as I love...

....this sandwich.
Chapter 1: I'm serious. Focaccia bread. Gourmet Tuna Salad. Lettuce, green peppers, tomato, and onion. Finally, honey dijon mustard and spicy Italian dressing. It is amazing and let's be honest for a second - when you live in a country where rice is a staple in every meal....EVERY meal (yes, dessert included)...bread is just about the greatest treat on the planet. For those who are looking to splurge a little bit (compared to $1 meals), this 100 baht ($3) delicacy from the Sandwich Shoppe basically brings me back to life on weekend mornings and gives me my western meal kick when I'm going through a craving for bread or cheese. A friend of mine suggested that I try going to France for my next big adventure, just because I am being deprived of wine, cheese, and bread here in Thailand, and maybe I will, but until then I'm obsessed with this sandwich. It's a funny thing though, because I literally go and have the same thing every time - I've never been this kind of person! I've never been the kind of person that goes to a place multiple times a week and orders the same damn thing. I thought I was a girl of variety and spontaneity! Nay; for this sandwich I'm committed.

Yes, if you are at this point in the post, I did just say "Nay" and also, you will never get the time that you spend reading this post back. Hah! Sorry! What it is.

Chapter 2: I met someone awhile back who I naturally started talking to about music. I am a lover of music, thus it is one of my favorite things to talk about. On this occasion, however, the individual I was conversing with began professing a love of a 90's...well late 90's and early 2000's rock band that many of us also know and love. This band goes by the name Blink 182.

Now, back in the day, I also loved Blink 182. I'll be honest, I was a naive 13 year old who probably didn't understand everything that they were singing about, but I loved them nonetheless. By "probably didn't understand", I mean - it took me about a decade to understand the meaning of the the album title, "Take off your pants and jacket". I actually had a eureka moment over it....yeahhhh.

Regardless! So, this person continued to divulge his love of Blink 182 with such conviction and passion that I was literally taken aback by it. He straight up didn't want to hear anything else except Blink 182 melodies. I was stunned! Now, I love music across a wide spectrum, but due to the kick that I'm on, I am usually trying to convince people to embrace electronic music. Not for this guy. I followed his 40 minute oratory with two responses. First, to make light of the situation, (I mean, dude, he was absolutely serious), I said that I felt like he had shared something deeply personal with me. Hah! It really felt like it! Then, I said that I honestly wished that I loved anything as much as he loved Blink 182. At the time, I was feeling a little down, and I literally couldn't think of a single thing that I felt equally passionate about. It was a funny moment, but it was also a little bit of a "oh shit" moment, because I was faced by the fact that I was getting down on haterade and didn't have anything in my life that compared to the level of admiration and passion this guy felt for a rock band. I couldn't tease him or jest about his sincerity, because he was as sincere as they come - as demonstrated through the way he conveyed his feelings. He believed, 100% for him, that Blink 182 was and would continue to be, the best band on the planet.

Yeah, word.

Chapter 3: At this point in my life, I've feel like I've done a little bit of living. Perhaps, a little bit of love-learning in the process and I've come out the other side as this cynical piece of shit. I like to joke that my heart is like a teddy bear covered in barbed wire or that I'm an ice queen - blah, blah, blah, but there was a time - for sure here in Thailand - that I have been completely down on love. Hey, maybe I am still jaded by the whole relationship train, but that's how it is. Over drinks a few months ago, this girl, Sarah, asked, kind of randomly, if I was dating at all. Her question caught me off guard and I laughed in her face. Then, I realized that she was asking me a question that warranted a response. I told her, rather lamely, "Honestly, that this year I've been on a date with...well...myself". That this year has been monumental for me and I've grown so much, but one of the biggest ways that I've grown and found myself is through being on my own; learning to be okay on my own. Sure, I'm a hopeless romantic deep down, but it has been interesting to see how this year has changed me, challenged me, tested me, and transformed me into the girl I am today.

I'm kind of joking about the sandwich. It is freaking delicious, but I have found since the Blink 182 conversation, that the level of love that I have in my life is monumental, that when it comes to romantic love, uhhhh...yeah, I'm still working on that one, but that this ol' heart will thaw out at some point. As for now, I'm bumping electro beats in my headphones, feeling settled in my skin, and am not wishing anymore.