How To Survive a Year of Teaching: Phuket, Thailand

HOW TO SURVIVE A YEAR OF TEACHING 

PHUKET, THAILAND

Living in Thailand can be a down right insane experience - with the traffic, the people, the language barrier, new food, new climate, and new experiences, all rolled into one - it is bound to make your head spin a bit. Hell, my head is still spinning! However, teaching in Thailand has been one of the most rewarding and amazing experiences of my life, so I continue to encourage people to get out and do some teaching abroad, despite the inherent challenges. We all stumble and this year, I have stumbled.....repeatedly, but I've picked up some things along the way that make this life a little easier to navigate...

#1. Spice up your life - Learning to love spice.

Okkkayyyy, so not everyone in this world is designed to eat chilies like these...

...or where they? Jury is out, but I have to say that I love 'em! The food in Thailand is amazing - filled with flavor, variety, and in Phuket - tons of fish and seafood. (Here, here vacation living!) The one thing that you have to look out for though, is "pet mahk mahk". ("Pet" means "spicy" and the "mahk mahk" means "very", so "pet mahk mahk" is very spicy!)  Sooo, start slow. Build a tolerance. Capsicum is addictive after all, so you will end up loving it (it's science), but in the meantime, remember to say, "mai ow pet" - which means that you don't want spicy or "pet nit noy" if you want a little bit of spice...otherwise...look out - spice will find a way into any dish. ANY!

I can and will go on for ages about the food, but I'll save that for another post. Maybe with an entire installment on the ins and outs of "kai dow dat bitch!"...stay tuned...

#2. Buy beer at 7/11. 

Here's a fun fact: 7/11 makes Asian life go 'round. Buy beer here! Pay your electricity bill! Add minutes to your phone! Get late night snacks! Practice your Thai with 7/11 workers! Hah! There is one on every corner or across the street from another 7/11, so you can't miss them. Additionally, if you buy beer or whiskey here, many restaurants and bars will let you bring your 7/11 purchases with you into their establishment. Yeah, check that out. This makes a night out a lot more financially feasible in an already financially feasible place.

This just in: recently, a new competitor of 7/11 has taken to the Thai streets. This is known as the 24 hour Super Cheap...a.k.a. Supaaa Cheap! (Say that like you are Asian.) Shoot, I'm so culturally insensitive, but if you do it, you will laugh, I promise. This place is bright, purple, and plaguing Phuket, so you can't miss it. Plus, they have veggies, fruit, and some healthier food options than the ol' 7. At the end of the day, 7/11 and Supaaa Cheap are goldmines for getting your life sorted, picking up Thai whiskey/beer, and dewberry cookies. Oh, dewberry cookies! Try 'em! It is simple math...

+ =

Lastly, I can't do any more than send you in the right direction, but I do suggest any other beer (Leo is my preference) over Chang beer, due to the fact that Chang doesn't really have a regulation process, so the beer is filled with all sorts of stuff that, yes, will get you hammered, but will leave you feeling like you were hit by a tuk-tuk. People call the hangover that is guaranteed from a Chang night a "Chang-over". It will get you and then you will wish you listened to my advice. :)

 

#3. There's something to be said for that little invention that is used to protect your noggin....it is a helmet! USE IT!

This issue gets me all sorts of worked up. Mostly, because people end up killing themselves on motorbikes left and right. Yeah, I know the weather is hot and you want to feel the wild blowing in your hair, or you practice muay thai all the time and are trying to let it be known, where ever you are, that you are hard as fuck. I don't care - wear a helmet, oh, and you aren't - you just look like another sunburned farrang (thai word for white foreigner) who doesn't have a god damn clue. You didn't grow up putting 10 people on a motorbike as part of your daily routine and you sure as shit didn't grow up around mini buses being used as weapons, so do yourself a favor and try to keep your brains together.

This is the kind of helmet they will give you when you rent a bike. Yeahhhh, not going to do that much, but at least it is something and it is by far better than nothing! Think about it - your head versus asphalt...

This is the kind of helmet you should get, especially if you are going to be around Phuket for awhile. These guys cost about 20-30 dollars, make you look like a member of Daft Punk, and will save your life. I'm being a bit morbid, but it is justified and honestly...30 dollars to keep your head together....come on!

While we are on the subject...

#4. Buy a motorbike. If you are here for a substantial period of time, It will save you money to buy a bike instead of renting each month. On top of that, you can sell it at the end of your stay. 

 #5. Stay Active.

Thailand is an amazing place, because it is easy to feel like you are on a permanent vacation. Yet, we all know when we go on vacation, that it is very easy for regular exercise to fall by the wayside. Sure, we all embrace the vacation lifestyle, but when Thai people start calling you out for gaining weight - which they will do, it might be time to join a sports team or get active in some way. Luckily there are many gyms and activities that you can get involved with - surfing, soccer, rock climbing, kayaking, jungle trekking, wake boarding, snorkeling/swimming/anything in the water, running, yoga, Frisbee.....for those who like that sort of thing, zumba, muay thai, whatever. The best way to get to know a new place is by getting out and being active, so take advantage! Just find something that you enjoy and stay active...even when on perma-vacation.

 

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's another amazing picture of my friend, Tim, on a climbing trip at Koh Yao Noi. Picture taken by Thailand resident, Tommy Parker.

Another friend of mine, Bob, said, "...but I haven't worked out since high school!" Well, Bob, you've got to prioritize! No one just goes around eating ice cream all day every day like an 8 year old... ;)

#6. Remember as soon as you arrive, you are a child. 

...and just like a child, you are going to stumble over words, mess up when to "wai" to people, and feel lost, a lot of the time. This is all part of the learning experience, so expect to make mistakes and be open to learning. Thais are very forgiving and are more than willing to help!

#7. Prepare yourself for being unprepared and then...expect the changes to change too. 

Being a teacher in Thailand means that everything is subject to change. Classes change, obligations change, expectations change, requirements change. Everything is subject to change and part of succeeding in the Thai education world is being okay with the changes. This isn't like western schools with strict planning and organization. Sometimes students need to get their hair or nails cut during class time, sometimes there is a sports day practice that needs to take place, but most of the time there is no rhyme or reason - it just is what it is. It is necessary that people learn to just roll with it or you will have a very frustrating experience.

That being said - Thais believe in "jai yen yen" which means that you must have a calm heart. Don't get angry at the Thai taxi driver who doesn't understand your Bulgarian accent, hell, who even knows where Bulgaria is? Don't take out school frustration on the Thai teachers, who work harder than you ever will. You are in a new country and you have to stay cool, calm, and collected, regardless of the desperation of the situation. If anyone has ever heard the phrase, "be zen", then you can begin to understand the meaning of jai yen yen. Chill out and go peacefully through this world. 

That being said...  

#8.  Learn some Thai and learn about the culture.

1. This is a remarkable place and the more you learn about the language and culture, the more amazing it becomes. 
2. Thais will respect you more - even if you can barely say, "Hello, how are you?", they will be happy that you are at least trying and will respond, "You speak Thai so goooood!"
3. Things will cost less. That whole westerner/Thai price difference is real...so knowing a little Thai can help get the price down a little bit.
4. You are in Thailand for christ's sake - learning about this place is just FUN.

#9. As a teacher, you are an educator. 

This sounds silly and self explanatory, but what I want to get across is that as a teacher, you are a role model for students, but more than that, you are in charge of a child's education. Multiple "childs" - the education of children! Imagine what you would have thought as a young person and your teacher didn't give fuck all about your education, called in sick repeatedly, or was unprepared for your classes...

My old housemate, Geoff, with his students.

#10. Live and love where you are. 

It is easy to get hung up on what's happening back home, but you have to focus on where you are and embrace the experience you are having. Being here is beautiful, magical, and passes in an instant. I constantly have to take a second to remember, hey, I'm in Thailand and it has already been over a year! Who would have imagined! Time goes quickly, so live in the present, explore where you are, and get the most out of being in this incredible place.

#11. Value the friendships/relationships that you are creating. It doesn't matter if you are here for a couple of months or a couple of years, saying goodbye is hard, but expiration dates are a part of life - whether you are in Thailand or elsewhere. Phuket just happens to be a cracked out version of impermanent living, so frequently people withdraw from investing in meaningful relationships for fear of creating something that might have to end. I, personally, don't think it should be like this. I think that we should work to value our time together for the time we have it. 

#12. Take advantage of your weekends. 

Working as a teacher can be pretty hectic during the week, so use your weekends as a chance to get out of Phuket and explore! You don't want to end your adventure with a list of movies you were able to download from the shaky internet access you have. Nay! You want be able to show people the sickest stuff that you were able to experience while living abroad. This place is filled with possibilities - just go!

Finally, for now...

#13. Party HARD, take pictures, wear sunscreen, read, write, and never, never wear a banana hammock/speedo. NEVER. Under any circumstances! 

To end all of this, I just want to take a second to say thank you to all who have made this last year so memorable, the speedo wearers, the lady boys, my students, my teachers, and my amazing friends. I don't know what this next year holds, perhaps "same same", perhaps "different", perhaps "same same, but different"...? Who knows? I'm just twenty something, staying 8 years old at heart, while exploring as a teacher in Thailand and a student in life, love, health, and happiness...

Regular Rachel Ray

I came home at 4:00...this morning...and I feel it this morning. Well, I feel it now that I'm up doing stuff. But, I had to...had to stay out, that is! I was out and about - dancing at this late night - totally Thai/bar girl hang out/weirdo - club. Regardless...(If there is something to be known about me - it is that I love dancing. Love. I love dancing so much that I will literally stay at a place with shitty top 40 music, so that I might be able to dance longer. I will let my friends and family abandon me on the dance floor. No matter. I feel like a Dane Cook sketch - "Let's just make a circle around our shoes and pocketbooks and just danceeee".)...I had to.

The place we took over with our dance antics is a place called Laguna?...Lagona? I believe it is a "lagoon" + "Uhh" sound. Laguna? We will go with it. Spelling is difficult right now. It was chaos, of course. After I realized that it was 4 in the morning, I came home and proceeded to whip up some....french toast....umm, however, I distinctly remember mixing up the egg and milk in the wok I was frying the french toast in...kinda like a bread-milk-egg soup. Some call it single pot cooking...I call it - this is what drunk-Nicola-in-Asia has to work with. Wok it out. I also remember that it didn't go so well for me...the french toast, that is.

Maybe soggy wok-made french toast was what my body was calling for...jury is still out.
Is it a rule of science, though, that governs over taste and drunk cooking? If I was chart-making-savvy...savvy...haha what a funny thing to have two "v"s next to each other....yes, if I was chart making savvy, I would make something that demonstrates the relationship between inebriation and quality control. It is pretty self explanatory...drunkness increases...food quality decreases...but I tend to become prit-ty good at cooking somewhere in the middle...

Wait - I've got free time...I'm making a graph! (Only made possible on those kind of mornings...)

Notice there is a spike in the graph when I reach a certain level of drunk..this is no mistake. This is what I'm talking about! Skills! Actually, no. (I am not a cook in any sense...due to my lack of patience...however, incidentally, I'm better at cooking than I am at baking, only because when you forget ingredients while cooking - you can usually try to salvage the meal, but with baking you really only have one shot to get it right) So, why the spike? Well, my cooking abilities start in a low place, therefore the quality is poor, but as I get more inebriated, I try harder and I focus more on the task at hand...oh, and follow directions! This is why cooking whilst drinking some wine is so much fun and just a good idea all around! Haha! However, after it reaches that perfect point of drunk and tasty...it takes a nosedive really and I end up with single wok-pot cooking.

I really wish that someone would have documented this. No, not really. It was fucked up.

In regard to my month-o-sobriety...I didn't make it. I couldn't hack a whole month without drinking apparently. I almost made it a full week....yeahhh...I've got some work to do. I did, though, cut down significantly. The times that I did actually drink were reduced to a handful and I think that is an accomplishment. As my wise friend, Charlie, says, "If you are going to say 'everything in moderation', then you need moderation in moderation too."

Can't argue with that! Here, here! Ahhh shoot. Well, happy Saturday morning...I hope that those who are now thinking about french toast making, are doing so in a sober state - notice the graph! Adhere to the chart!

Lastly, if you can't take the heat and/or don't belong in the kitchen - then the tastiest part of your morning might be some TASTY BEATS!...haha I'm ridiculous this morning....

Cool music. Geographer. :) Check it.

Now, if I could only get someone to make me some food...

:)

Lessons From Thailand Vol. 1

Why are people just mean? I don't understand it. I thought that after we graduated from high school that we put the knives away. I naively assumed that "adults" had it figured out and didn't get off on being vindictive and spiteful. As I grew up a little bit and started meeting these "adults" who were supposed to have their act together, I realized that there isn't a cut off date when we just have it figured out. There isn't a time in our lives while "discovering our road to self discovery" when it just clicks. Unfortunately, I have learned these things, but as I look around Thailand, I realize I have a lot of learning to do.

Thais don't act the same way as those in the western world and we could stand to learn a thing or two. 

Thais aren't mean. Thais believe in karma and doing things for other people. They believe that if they preform selfless acts that it increases their own social standing, so the Thai social order is dominated, not by those who can "play hardball" or step on others to get to where they want to go, but by those who are loving, giving individuals - preforming random acts of kindness for all people. It is this unbelievable level of selflessness that makes someone worthy of respect in Thai society. It is amazing. It is inspiring to see someone going out of their way to help others, even with the most nominal task. It is encouraging to see those who "have nothing" (comparatively), but are rich in love and compassion. I know this sounds like the cheesiest thing in the world, but holy shit, when you experience a motorbike break down and in less than 5 minutes 5 people have taken time out of their days to assist you in every way that they possibly could, you can't help but feel a little bewildered - especially after living in places like New York, where people are renowned for harsh, abrasive behavior.

Why are people just mean? Why do we excessively overlook and under appreciate those around us? Why don't we think about the way we conduct ourselves and look to create richness in the lives of those around us? Why don't we see this richness as a reflection of ourselves? Why don't we emphasize living in a way that fosters kindness and love? Is living in a loving way really that much of an inconvenience? I don't think so, but like I said, I've got some learning to do.

Chronicles of a China Doll

This morning, it was the sun streaming through the windows of my living room that woke me from my slumber. I was on my living room couch, with the lights still on, and music playing. Now, I was surprised to find myself here. I was not supposed to be on my living room couch with the remains of an ice cream cone next to me. I was not supposed to have a pounding headache capitalizing on my temples. I was supposed to be in my bedroom, a dark room that shields me from fiery sun rays. I was supposed to be waking to the sound of my morning alarm. I was supposed to feel rested and refreshed, but upon finding my cell phone, I discovered that I only had an hour to nurse myself back to sobriety before heading in to the office. Yes, this was my morning. It was all backwards, out of sorts, and the product of the farewell dinner orchestrated by the Thai staff at my school. I needed painkillers.

Like I have been saying, I have been working to cut out drinking this month in an attempt to get ready for my race in June, but a refrigerator stocked with the local brew, Singha, and the foreign specialty (haha), Heineken, sent our goodbye dinner in another direction last night and derailed my initiatives. Though I was making concessions on my own plans of sobriety, let's just say, some people took this as an opportunity let it all gooooo. Hey, what would a work function be without that one guy instigating a few of those "ummm...ahhhh...yeahhhh" - awkward moments. It was like watching The Office, but in 4D.

Well, needless to say, the 8 hour work dinner and tour of the greater Phuket area was an interesting one, yet, completely worth it since I received a framed collage of myself with the caption, "Fond Memories", had a decadent meal, full access to the open bar, and was addressed as Satree's "china doll" by my superiors in a commemorative speech. So, my time at this school has finally come to a close and I will be remembered, not for any academic contribution I have made, not for intellectual abilities, nor stellar personality trait (still laughing...). Though Anchorman is one of my favorite movies of all time and I can not think about Ron Burgundy addressing Veronica Corningstone as his "little china doll" without laughing, I am cringing a little to think that this is how I will be remembered at this school. A china doll. Really? Haha...goodness...

When I finally arrived at the office, everyone seemed to be in about the same shape as me...a little worse for the wear, but then it got funny. I was trying my best to zone out at my desk when one of my director's came bustling up to my desk. She has been pestering me to stay at Satree or at least reapply in the future, but last night, she had mentioned that since I was set on leaving my position, she might have found a job for me at a neighboring school. This is the way Thailand works...everyone always has their own plans for you...it is their way of "helping you out". In the past, I have attempted to explain to her that I'm only looking for part time work, but I figured I would get back to neutral (in regard to my mind and body this morning) and then go and speak to her about the potential job to find out the specifics and to keep my options open. However, things were not going to follow my schedule today. As I followed her to our resource center, it became clear that I was walking into an interview. I ended up meeting the director of the other school's English program, going with them to this other school to be presented to the non-English speaking principal, and was recruited to teach art and physical education at this place...all occurring in a total of 30 minutes.

Yes, here's me - head aching and recovering - in a introduction turned interview - being hired for a teaching position at a new school despite my previous insistence that I am leaving Thailand and only looking for part time work. Did I have any paper work or information with me to prove my qualifications for this position? No. Does anything in this country ever go as planned? No. Does anything ever happen in the order that you expect it to? No. Can you be roped into a teaching job in less than 30 minutes flat?

Chaiiiii. Apparently so. With the offer to pay me the same, good salary that I currently make, to take care of my expensive visa and immigration renewal, and requiring less from me, with fun classes as the cherry on top, it is a very good deal. I was returned back to school with a job offer and I am just laughing to myself. After living in Thailand for as long as I have, I am still continuously baffled by the what is considered "normalcy" in this country.

I never have a "normal" day here. I can start a less than par/out of sorts morning without any expectations in my cloudy brain and within a half an hour have the direction of my life all rearranged. This isn't because I am intellectually gifted or talented in my teaching abilities...remember....haha - I'm just a "china doll"...speaking some English with a preferable accent and clearly living a life that is 2 parts fantasy and 1 part reality. There's no other way to explain it.

This country makes me laugh...things are just mixed up, but easy. Life is made complicated only through my own decision making or lack of decision making (which is more often the case). It never really follows the schedule I anticipate or the direction I envision. Instead, I spend my time here, like my morning, just floating along and chuckling to myself as one chapter comes to a close with shambles and unforeseen opportunities unfold in its place...

Shoulder Angel Sabotage

In Kathu, Phuket, a 6k track curves through the jungle and around the peaceful reservoir. Waterfalls emerge around every bend in the course and in the evenings, when I run, I am treated to a fabulous background of color - streaking the sky as the sun sinks behind the rolling hills cupping the reservoir below. The serenity of the location, however, would be altered by the QSI Fun Run on Saturday, March 10th when runners would take their marks for the 1k, 6k, 12k, and relay races. This was to be my first race and I was going big - competing in the 12k event. I have been training up there pretty regularly, so I didn't consider the race to be a big deal. In fact, in my mind, it wasn't going to be much different than my regular work out. Instead of any worries or concerns, I was eager and up for the challenge. My friend, Jason, and I hit up the local thrift store where I collected fun run outfit supplies: a neon sweatband, purple pirate pantaloons-style short-shorts, and a heinous, almost tie dye looking, old lady top. Jason paired a classic 80's style T-shirt with pink flower shorts. Together, we were going to look....well, ridiculous - which was just what we wanted.

Around 8 o'clock on Saturday morning, we arrived at the reservoir, neon clad and race ready. As we proceeded to collect our race numbers, my eyes scanned the sky and it seemed as though the weather was going to be kind to us. The sun in Thailand can be unbearable - even at 7 a.m., but on this morning, a nice amount of cloud cover was protecting us. I ate some bananas, drank some water, stretched, and warmed up by running around a little bit - just to start moving.

By 9 a.m., race time, I think I began to feel a little bit of nervousness. This started right when we were lining up, but it was just the type of jitters that you get before you preform at anything and wasn't out of the ordinary. Some people were expressing concern about the length of the race, but I was confident and knew that there was no way that I wouldn't be able to finish the race - this was like practice after all! (Internal dialogue here.)

In contrast with preparation for a sprint, everyone seemed to just be standing around waiting, not really in any set start position, but as soon as the gun went off, everyone snapped into race mode. We started down the straight away when suddenly, as if cued by the gun blast, the clouds parted, the sun came out, and Thailand got real hot. I was working to set my pace, but all I could think about was the sun and the feeling of bananas in my stomach. Great! Needless to say, it wasn't comfortable. I quickly realized that the 12k was going to be much harder than my evening runs when the sun is setting and the weather is cool.

About 3 km into the race, I caught these negative thoughts churning through my mind: You are heavy. You are slow. You need to pick it up. You are not going to get a good time. Your friends will judge you. You are embarrassing. You can't make it. You need to stop. It is too hot and you aren't ready for this. You can't make it.

I couldn't shake it. One of my shoulder angels was nicely perched up and talking shit. On the other side, I was saying, "This is your home court! This is your race! You CAN do it! You do this all the time! Just stay focused on your race, find your sweet spot, and put one foot in front of the other!"

I had to keep reminding myself to stay present in the race I was running. "Find your sweet spot, Nicola", I kept repeating. I was trying to shut down the negative internal dialogue and focus on the race, but look at the war I was fighting! Holy shit.

At 9 km into the race, the sun was raging and I was emptying every water bottle over my head; I could feel a pulsing headache, but I didn't stop.

I pushed past 10 km and was still battling.
Negative: I'm going to puke! My head is pulsing! It is so hot!
Positive: I'm almost there! 2 km to go! The sooner you finish, the sooner you will be out of this heat. Finish strong!

I rounded the final corner, I emerged from the jungle, I raced down the straight away, and I as I crossed the finish line and was met by friends - high five-ing and spouting congratulations. I did it! Despite the negativity battle, despite the heat, despite my self doubt, I had persevered. I hadn't stopped running and it felt awesome! In fact, I had even done well! So, check that out!

In light of my post about vulnerability, I think this is a very telling experience about my worries and concerns. I am scared to death of failing and being criticized when I don't succeed. I am afraid of being vulnerable, but I am my biggest critic. In retrospect, I'm a little baffled by how down I got during the race. I thought about it as I drove home and concluded that I had to write down what I had been feeling while running, so that I wouldn't forget that it had been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. During my fun run, though neon clad and familiar with the course, I still tried to tear myself down with negativity. (Honestly, who can be a pessimistic Patty while wearing neon??) Shoot. It looks like the only person who needs to be convinced of my strengths, is me.

Self love 101 - you are strong and capable, but you have to believe it. You have to push past the mental roadblocks, put one foot in front of the other, and who knows, you might surprise yourself.

Vulnerability

You are imperfect, but you are worthy of love.

Lessons in vulnerability:

I started this blog as an outlet, a place for discussing topics that I am passionate about and interested in. I wanted to address some of the bigger questions and lessons I have been faced with as I search for my healthy, happy, and loving self. I feel as though I've been straying away from this, so as an attempt to get into something of interest and away from blah, blah, blah, choices concerning being sober or lack of sobriety, pettiness, raging, blah, and blah, in this post, I want to discuss something I am currently grappling with. It has to do with vulnerability. 

I started thinking about vulnerability after I met someone who, from the get go, struck me as a very confident and fantastic individual. I was caught up in the momentum of their energy and didn't see something staring me in the face, until they revealed this other element. In an instant, I saw this person's Jekyll and Hyde. I was taken aback and as I emotionally pulled away from them, I immediately heard my little life mantra in the back of my head - "Life is too short to surround yourself with people who do not bring out the best in you".

I started to dislike this person. I thought to myself, "This is a hateful and ugly person" and I didn't know what to do besides continue this internal dialogue. I felt as I do when someone makes a racist comment - uncomfortable and stuck deciding between my two options: 1. Disregard the comment and act like it never happened or 2. Say something to the one responsible for the comment, letting them know that that kind of discourse doesn't really fly around me. I'd like to say that I make the choice to call someone out wherever this kind of situation arises (when I feel out of my comfort zone due to someone's assumption that I feel a certain way due to the way I look or where I am from), but I know that there are plenty of occasions when I witness someone being mean or disrespectful to another person and I let it slide, justifying my inaction as an attempt to mind my own business and strengthen my resolve to be loving in my own life. I see the contradictions here. I don't like this scenario in any sense, but this is the best way I can describe my feelings during this particular interaction.

Feeling breakdown:
Stage 1: I thought this person was hurtful and hateful even though the animosity they harbored was not directed at myself, it still made me uncomfortable and I was resentful that they were dragging me into their negative world.
Stage 2: I saw something else. I saw intense insecurity. I saw someone projecting a negativity that resided in the core of this person's self. I saw someone who did not love themselves, but again, I was observing instead of acting one way or another. "Hey, this isn't my responsibility or within my control. I can not change how they are and I just need to try to be loving in my own life", I said to myself, once again.
Stage 3: I started thinking about how people are scared to be seen. Truly seen. I identified myself in this category and was left just feeling down about the whole interaction - sad for insecure people, sad for myself, sad for those who are hurt in the wake of "I don't know how to love".

A couple of days later, my friend passed along a TED talk given by Dr. Brené Brown. Not only is she a talented speaker, but the nature of her 10 years of research in social work makes her talk regarding vulnerability not only ground breaking, but very uplifting and inspiring. In the video, she discusses a couple of things that really helped me get my mind around connection and vulnerability. She says that in order for people to connect with one another, they "have to be seen". Additionally, people must address this underlying vulnerability in 'being seen' en route to connection.

I had always thought about insecurities and understood that we all have them, but I liked how vulnerability seemed to encompass the magnitude of our insecurities. Brown went on to say that people who have a sense of worthiness, a combination of love and belonging, believe they are worthy of these things: connection, love, and belonging. She calls these kinds of people, the people who believe they are worthy, 'wholehearted' individuals. She found that people who were 'wholehearted' have 4 attributes:

1. Courage. Courage to be imperfect. Courage to tell the story of who they are using their whole hearts.
2. Compassion. Compassion to treat themselves kindly.
3. Connection through authenticity. This authenticity is achieved through letting go of who you think you should be in order to reach connection.

The fourth attribute is vulnerability. People who are wholehearted embrace vulnerability. Brown argues that what makes someone vulnerable, also makes them beautiful; reiterating that embracing vulnerability means "having the willingness to say 'I love you first' or act when there are no guarantees". This can even be extended to when we "invest in a relationship that may or may not work out".

I love the way that she talked about these things. She seems to do so in a very loving way and it reminded me of Pema Chodron, a Tibetan Buddhist and author of many meditation books, including, When Things Fall Apart. It was through her writing that I began thinking about the impermanence of life - that life is unpredictable and, at times, very mixed up. Pema Chodron teaches about the uncertainty of life and living in a way of getting to know yourself through embracing the uncertainty.

Similarly, Brené Brown says that engaging in vulnerability is the basis of love, of creativity, and acceptance. I was left wondering, when we spend all of our lives building walls and for myself, striving for ice queen status and teddy bear-barbed wire-hearts, how do we embrace vulnerability?

Then she came back with an answer. She concluded that we numb ourselves in order to deal with vulnerability, however, when we numb ourselves, we numb all of the positive aspects of the emotional spectrum as well. Therefore, we have to feel. We have to be okay with hurting and being seen. We have to have the courage to be flawed and we have to believe that despite these flaws, we are worthy of being loved.

The kicker, right? Being seen. Who wants to feel emotions and really be seen anyway? Am I really enough?

If you are still with me at this point, thanks for the patience as I reveal the underpinning of my struggles. I always say that the point of life is learning how to love, and a very critical part of this love-learning process starts with self love. We can not go around, heart in our hands, asking people to be gentle with heart strings and accept us, if we refuse to accept ourselves. To go back to the person who started the snowballing of this rant, I hope they find a way to self love. I trying not to demonize them as being ugly on the inside, but am instead attempting to be compassionate towards them - or at least emphasize with them - regarding them as someone who is just like me - afraid of being vulnerable or of being seen.

As my friend said after we discussed the TED talk, "Aren't we are all just afraid of being unwanted?"

You can check out Brené Brown's full TED talk here: The Power of Vulnerability.