Yesterday's Wine Post

Soooo yesterday...I was a couple of glasses of wine deep when I started writing about how "on top of the world I've been feeling". It makes me laugh now, but I guess sometimes we all have to gush. And, despite my soapbox antics, I believe I touched on a couple of important things that I want to talk a little bit more about: it comes down to a bit of culture shock.

My sister thinks I preach a little bit, and I know that's true, but I'm genuinely a "I want to yell this from on top of a mountain" type of person. Though living in the mountains, and despite my ability to yell from said mountains if I should choose, I end up preaching in blogger world and then anyone who wishes to subject themselves to my preaching gets to sort through my rants and shenanigans, deciding for themselves if there is really anything meaningful lying within these rambling paragraphs. But, I digress. Whoops!

Any who, back to this culture shock stuff. There is something that I have been noticing a lot recently. and I think I can call this reverse culture shock. However, it stems from an exposure to negative attitudes. For instance, yesterday I was filling out an application at the YMCA climbing wall while a girl I knew was working at the front desk. I was attempting to remember contact info and check little boxes while she was greeting the people who were walking into her place o' business. It was baffling how many people just walked past her and didn't say anything. That's instance number one, a small thing, sure, but it didn't really sit right. Then, I was having an interview at a health foods store when the manager asked me how I would prepare myself for dealing with angry customers, since as a cashier I could expect to hear a lot of grief from those on their way out the door. I was a little stumped by this question and told him about how I used to work for Greenpeace, so dealing with upset and emotionally abusive people was no big deal. Hah! Finally, I was chilling with some folks, I didn't know that well, when the conversation devolved into ranting about bosses and boyfriends and life in general. It was unrelenting and really more like girls just needing to "talk shit"...or something....I guess. I listened for a second and then had to walk away; it was exhausting. By the end of my day, I had come to the conclusion that though Thailand is a pacifist and generally calm place to live, (people never confront people to their face and are rarely, RARELY rude to one another) the whole world isn't like that. Well, duh, right? But, the thing is that I guess it just shocks me a lot more now. Simple courtesy like responding to a greeting, not taking your day out on a grocery store employee despite not being able to find any extra firm Tofurkey, or getting a sentence out sans "name calling" and shit-talking - these things matter. Being good to people around us...matters.

I really just can't stand to listen to people being rude, bringing each other down, or talking shit about others. I don't understand it. I don't have time for it. I think that it is a greater reflection of who WE are when we start popping off about someone else. Sure, emotions run high; people do things that are not always good and kind, and it can be really upsetting, irritating, unfair - what have you. Yet, I honestly think that there's got to be a better way to deal with it.

I'm not a saint here, by any means! Hah! Yeah, not at all, but I think it's sad when one of the glaring differences between being here and in Thailand is...I don't know...simple kindness?? Yeah, what the hell?

Around me people reinforce these attitudes and assumptions. My sister's boss has been worried about a coordinator coming in to work at their Santa Fe store from Washington D.C., because as the Chilean woman says, "Those people in D.C. are not like us." She insists, "We are warm, they are cool." It makes me laugh, but we don't all have reputations as nice people!

This is something that I've been trying to grow accustomed to. Now, maybe it's partly due to the fact that I can now understand what everyone around me is saying, so I can hear when people are unkind to one another...hah!, but it has definitely struck me and I believe that if we project positivity, it just makes sense - good things will come back to us.

So, now I'm doing that whole job hunt deal, like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I'm taking my resume to schools, gyms, grocery stores...anywhere!...but, like I said, things just FEEL a little different than any other job hunts I've ever been on. I've been all sorts of chipper and positive - grooving on the ol' peppy step, if you will...haha - and it's like opportunities just keep falling in my lap. Hey, people say attitude is everything, well, I'm noticing a lot of attitudes around me and I'm definitely seeing the difference.

We don't need abrasiveness and bringing people down to bring ourselves up. We don't need negativity and, honestly, I thought bitching and shit-talking was something people graduated from once the secret got out on how hollow it is. If we barely have time to be with the people we want to be with, doing the things we want to do, in the places we want to be in, why fill it up with negativity? Opt out!

I guess, at the end of the day, when life is just charging along at unbelievable speeds, we just have to leave the spilled milk and yesterday's wine alone.

Get at me!

My big concern about being in America was that I would be faced with a large dose of culture shock, that the world around me would be changed, and that I wouldn't know my place. However, after being in America for a month, I'm realizing something that I had never expected - this world around me isn't that different. Instead, I'm the one who is different.

I'm different and I'm realizing this since I've returned to the United States. I'm not the same. I'm not the same person. Though I thought that it took me a year and a half to get back to "me", I was never getting back to "me", I was getting back to something else. I was finding a different person, a better person, a new person. That person I was trying to find wasn't someone from my past. It was a new sense of self.

It's crazy, but since being in America, things seem to just "happen" for me, if that makes sense. No, it doesn't make sense. It's strange, but life isn't the same as when I left in 2010. Maybe, it's because I'm just making this life what I want it to be. I'm positive, optimistic, and have some fucking "swagga". I have that "get at me attitude" and it's incredible to feel on top of the world, but I'm realizing that the attitude I now have is a culmination of life experiences, of low points, of high points, and of new found confidence in myself. I never thought that Thailand was changing me or had changed me rather, but it's apparent now. I guess we sometimes have to leave our comfort zones or confront ourselves in order to discover what lies within us.

I don't give a shit about drama; I'm not trying to be rude to people. I don't want to bitch and talk shit. I'm different and this is how I'm trying to live my life. I'm psyched about positivity and optimism; I'm all about the "no one's gonna keep me down" mentality. I'm on the fast track and I don't have time for "nay sayers" and negativity, 'cause a month into America living, this is how I am. This is the new me. I'm comfortable in this skin I'm in and all I can say is "Child, please. Get at me!"

What does it take for us to maintain our "stoked", our "amped living", or our "swagga"?

I'm lucky to feel this and I know that now, but I've gotta ride it out 'cause being on top of the world is fleeting. Take advantage of those times when you ride cloud 9; live it up when you are positive and optimistic. Life is beautiful and incredible, but it's a mindset mixed with opportunity...and I'm realizing that now.

Santa Fe, New Mexico

I left for New Mexico after allowing myself a longer stay in Flagstaff than expected. (Though I was thrilled to be amongst my friends, local coffee shops, and the San Francisco peaks, I needed to get home to my family; the land of enchantment was urging me to hit the road once more.) I had planned to catch a ride back to the neighbor state with someone using rideshare on Craigslist, but schedules didn't line up, so I was dropped at the Greyhound station by my Flagstaffian friends for the 6 hour bus excursion.

The Greyhound bus lurched and careened down the I-40 between the two border states, and as we reached Gallup, New Mexico, a storm swirled overhead. I had forgotten that one reason I love the south west is because many times when a storm is coming, you can see it threatening even hundreds of miles away. This was that kind of storm. The hodge podge of Greyhound passengers, including a gentleman next to me who persisted in explaining to me how to keep myself healthy and be a good wife, despite my feigning sleep, finally slowed in their talking to look out the window and take in the rainbows that arched across the sky. It was one of those "double rainbow" experiences where all passengers strained their necks, disregarding those traveling next to them, just trying to get a look at the rainbows. Suddenly, we realized that shining brilliantly, not two, but three rainbows soared above the desert floor to create a type of snow globe border to our New Mexican sky.

"This is why I love New Mexico," I thought, and I joined the rest of the crew in gawking at the wonders of the south west. "Take me home, take me home," I chanted in my head and we climbed the hilltops towards Albuquerque, leaving the desert, the storms, and the rainbows behind.

There are two views that make me think of home: the first is the overlook of Albuquerque right past Acoma Pueblo on the 40. It's the sight of the valley stretched out beneath the colossal Sandias, the city sprawling across the sandy basin, and the evening settling in on those afternoon drives east that makes me feel like I'm finally home. The other is the climb up to Los Alamos. There is no other road like it - hugging the mesas as the highway charges up to the secret city, the sun setting behind the Jemez and illuminating the Rockies - that's what I love about northern New Mexico. I love the colors and the contrast. This place has drama. It is emotional to look at.

In an e-mail to a friend, I tried to express my feelings of being home, but all I could talk about was turquoise and Santa Fe style buildings. Everything came back to the colors, the colors, the colors. He wrote back something like, "have fun with those colors", mocking my childish ways and obsession with the southwest's palette, but I had to shrug it off, because there's nothing like it and this is what keeps me coming back. It really is just about the colors - capturing the beauty that is embedded in the place I call home.

Pulling into the Greyhound station, in downtown Albuquerque, colors, storms, and rainbows aside, I had only one thing on my mind. There would be a 21 year old girl waiting for me there. A girl who shares my history, my thoughts, my obsessions, my story. A girl who is like the other part of me and is someone I love like an arm or extremity of some sort - with necessity. My sister.

I hauled my massive backpack out from under the bus and as I approached the station, there she was. All tears and excitement - all hugs and love. Santa Fe, New Mexico means family to me. This place means blood and drama and colors. It means life isn't always easy, but you have to look at the struggle of the desert and you'll see something great here. It enchants you. It captivates you. I wish I could tell you about reds and yellows and immediately paint you a picture of what I see here. I wish you could feel what I feel when I see turquoise and stucco, juniper blanketing the foothills and the Sangre de Cristo mountains, sandstone and menacing storm clouds, but you'll just have to take my word for it - it's the colors, it's family, it's home.