The experience of being without was not totally planned, but it was when we found ourselves struggling to continue on, each and every day, that we transformed in ourselves. (I originally wrote "grew", but the magnitude of what happened to us seemed to fall flat with the imagery of growing - an inherent, inevitable part of life.) Yes, we transformed. It was uncomfortable, exhausting, but tremendous. Indeed, no two days were the same and then, at the completion of our trip, we landed in unfamiliar territory, altering the rhythm of our journey, to build a life for ourselves. Arcata was our Magic Bus.
At first, I felt restless. I wanted the movement of travel. I didn't see my way unfolding in Arcata - the way that Phil did. It's not as though I didn't want it, but I felt the pull of the current and I wondered if this was really it. A home makes a difference. After 4 months of making a home in our tent and a career out of go, explore, seek, I felt an unfamiliar shift in gears. Unfortunately, wanting to feel established in a new place...wasn't that easy.
I curled up in bed and cried about loneliness and uncertainty. Moving with someone is an unbelievable amount of pressure. It amplifies your reliance on another person - which, for an self-proclaimed, independent person, feels like weakness. Uncertainty comes from the ticking clock and a deadline on figuring out what comes next. On a basic level we questioned: would we be sleeping in our car again? Where would we live? Unfamiliar territory and mixed concerns of not feeling fulfilled made the ambiguous future more daunting. Would I find something to be passionate about here? Would this new town have what I need to help me grow? I wasn't sure and I morned the loss of the open road.
Mo money, mo problems? No money, no place to go. This is the inside of the storm: the swirling emotional instability, the lack of options and the stress of trying to hold down a job without a foundation to stand on. In the last two months, I have weeded through hundreds of housing posts on Craigslist and responded with individual e-mails to forty-one. Bad timing, overstretched finances, and the fact that Phil and I are a couple and tenants/landlords were mostly unwilling to even consider two people, elongated our housing search. With about a week to find our next place, I wrote a S.O.S. on Craigslist outlining our situation and what kind of home we were desperate to find.
I received two responses: one couple looking for people to sublet in the spring and one individual in a three bedroom house.
The sublet offered cheap accommodation, but a temporary solution to our housing search. Additionally, it posed another problem being as it started two weeks later than we needed. I e-mailed the other individual and waited to hear back. No response. With the prospect of having nowhere to stay for two weeks, I followed up again with the three-bedroom-house-person. Just days away from homelessness, I received a message apologizing for missing our e-mail, but enthusiastically offering to show us the place. We headed to the residence an hour later, praying that we had found the answer.
How do you build a home when you are a guest? How do you see your future when next week might mean sleeping in the car? We felt drained. Overwhelmed by long hours, suspended limbo, and unending stress - we needed something to work.
Despite the storm, we found release. It turns out that the person who responded to our S.O.S. is someone we actually want to live with. The. House. Is. Amazing. The feeling of "home" almost knocked us over as we crossed the threshold. The warm lighting, open space and friendly, smiling face that greeted us, sealed the deal. We had found it. The place was...home.
After discussing the details with our potential roommate, we left the house filled with hope. Everything felt right. Coincidentally, we found ourselves returning to a bar we found our first night in Arcata, to share a celebratory beer. Over our beverages, we recounted the night we arrived in town - a bitter, October evening when we had drifted into the establishment (hoping to get a little toasty), in preparation for a night spent in the broken down car.
Finally, as it would be when you find your way, everything fell into place. As I write, I'm sitting at the island countertop of our new home, while Phil cooks breakfast. We may not be continuing our McCandless-style adventures, in new and exotic locations every day, but after months of motion, we are happy to have one place to look forward to. We want to build a life here. We want a springboard for growth. We want to put down roots and make a home. It took everything we had to get to this place, but in the storm, love propelled us. Love for each other - love of exploration - love of people - love of learning - love of creation and possibility. Sure, feelings of uncertainty still exist. However, I am moving away from the post-travel blues - where unsure of the future, I dwelled on stagnation; afraid of being disappointed, I focused on uncertainty. Now, I'm looking forward, remembering the lessons of our journey and remembering that we weather the storms, because peace hovers just above the horizon.
