Astrology Intervention
I constantly assert that I'm a - can't stop, won't stop - 8 year old - whirlwind of a girl; that I have my head caught up in big dreams and my feet moving according to 'bolt' not 'tread lightly'. But, truth be told, I came to Phuket with this notion that I was going to live a peaceful life, that I'd be reading a lot, and that there would be almost a permanent outline of my body in the sand on the beach. Relaxing in a remote location? Sign me up!
I had assumed, as many travelers do, that my deep and intellectual self would be tapped into, thus engaging in 'discovering my road to self discovery' type of living, and that I was going to grow in complex ways and find out the real inter-workings of me. Well, I have, in my own opinion, done some growing and discovering, yet the beach is saved for the weekends, my relationship with books is more 'friends with benefits' than committed relationship, and my liquids intake becomes Thai whiskey and beer as soon as the sun sets. Now, I have had a phenomenal time living in this country, don't get me wrong, and have been making full use of the expat teacher lifestyle, however, my misconception of 'Phuket-living' as comparable to a placid lake, like Khao Sok in the morning light, has been disturbed like a front somersault into said pristine Thailand lake. Cannonball!
I was laying around last night, taking it easy, and listening to music in the Tree House (my new place), when this little thought entered my mind - am I'm getting burnt out? In that moment - I felt like I was.
I'm not sure what I need - perhaps some quiet time? A little bit of relaxation? A vacation from vacation-living?
I started this post with a picture of me at the island of Koh Ya Noi holding a hermit crab, because my astrological sign is cancer - the crab - and I embody that description to the fullest. I am definitely someone who wants to come out of my shell and be social, but only if I can retreat for some alone time. Recently, I've been needing to retreat. I'm freaking tired, man. I feel like I'm struggling to maintain balance in my life and that things are just go go go. Now, typically I'm all for it, but recently, goodness; I'm just in need of relaxation and quiet. Hah! Am I turning into an old person?
When I lived in Flagstaff, there were times that I would just go and climb all weekend, leave the booze at home, and just chill. It was great being so psyched on climbing. Even heading out into the wilderness, aided only by headlamps, crash pads, and friends for good conversation, was all I wanted. It was all I needed. Today, I had the chance to catch up with one of the few remaining Flagstaff-ians, a friend of mine, who is still engaging in that lifestyle - chilling, working on rad-ass projects, and climbing hard. I thought for a second, "I'm so envious of that type of living; I would love to do that again". My internal dialogue became hung up on the conclusion that I would love to attempt to immerse myself in that introspective journey that I was picturing as I boarded a plane to this remote island over a year ago, but then I thought - "What's stopping me?"
Sometimes we need to take a second to breathe, to figure out what is important to us, and sometimes, taking a break is okay. I'm working on restoring a little bit of balance to my life - if it is possible. I laugh as I write this, because I have a party-er's heart and I know that reaching out to chilled-out-Nicola will only be obtained through baby steps. However, I'm going to work at it. In fact, I'm actually signing up for a marathon, with my friends, which will be on June 10th of this year. I'm really excited to commit to something like this. My friends and I have been running regularly around Phuket for the last couple of months, but I hope that having this marathon in the looming future will inspire some greater lifestyle changes. I've never run a full marathon before, though, I have to competed in a couple of triathlons when I was younger. Younger? Hah! Now I do sounds like an old person. I say it was when I was younger, because it was when I was playing a grip of soccer and actually in shape - not raging all of the time. Goodness.
So that's where I'm at. I'm trying to turn down the bass that my heart beats to, but maybe just a bit. I did find a posting on an Ellie Goulding video this morning that made me realize why it is so hard for me to stop this 'can't stop, won't stop' attitude. The posting was as follows:
"SO MY MOM WALKED IN ON ME... dancing to dubstep.. lol. it was a groundbreaking experience... she asked me, "is that how all the people dance to this?", to my reply, "No, i am just letting the music take me.." She asked me, "where does the music take you son?" And with a supremely confident smile and tone I said, "to a place without consequence". Her face scrunched in misunderstanding... I told her.. "I found love again, and it's with myself. I love dancing, and I love dubstep. AND I LOVE YOU!"
Hell, yeah! I just think life is too much fun! I'm in love with dancing and music, I'm a social 8 year old, and I'm obsessed with the people in my life, but I'm trying to chill out a little bit. If only for just a little bit. Is it possible? I'm not sure, but I'm a crab and right now I need my shell!
Perhaps being soothed by the melodies of Greg Alan Isakov will send me back to crisp nights in Flagstaff, climbing at the Draw, and allow me to hole up in the Tree House for awhile.
 |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E69qahzgeN8&feature=related |
No comments:
Post a Comment