In Kathu, Phuket, a 6k track curves through the jungle and around the peaceful reservoir. Waterfalls emerge around every bend in the course and in the evenings, when I run, I am treated to a fabulous background of color - streaking the sky as the sun sinks behind the rolling hills cupping the reservoir below. The serenity of the location, however, would be altered by the QSI Fun Run on Saturday, March 10th when runners would take their marks for the 1k, 6k, 12k, and relay races. This was to be my first race and I was going big - competing in the 12k event. I have been training up there pretty regularly, so I didn't consider the race to be a big deal. In fact, in my mind, it wasn't going to be much different than my regular work out. Instead of any worries or concerns, I was eager and up for the challenge. My friend, Jason, and I hit up the local thrift store where I collected fun run outfit supplies: a neon sweatband, purple pirate pantaloons-style short-shorts, and a heinous, almost tie dye looking, old lady top. Jason paired a classic 80's style T-shirt with pink flower shorts. Together, we were going to look....well, ridiculous - which was just what we wanted.
Around 8 o'clock on Saturday morning, we arrived at the reservoir, neon clad and race ready. As we proceeded to collect our race numbers, my eyes scanned the sky and it seemed as though the weather was going to be kind to us. The sun in Thailand can be unbearable - even at 7 a.m., but on this morning, a nice amount of cloud cover was protecting us. I ate some bananas, drank some water, stretched, and warmed up by running around a little bit - just to start moving.
By 9 a.m., race time, I think I began to feel a little bit of nervousness. This started right when we were lining up, but it was just the type of jitters that you get before you preform at anything and wasn't out of the ordinary. Some people were expressing concern about the length of the race, but I was confident and knew that there was no way that I wouldn't be able to finish the race - this was like practice after all! (Internal dialogue here.)
In contrast with preparation for a sprint, everyone seemed to just be standing around waiting, not really in any set start position, but as soon as the gun went off, everyone snapped into race mode. We started down the straight away when suddenly, as if cued by the gun blast, the clouds parted, the sun came out, and Thailand got real hot. I was working to set my pace, but all I could think about was the sun and the feeling of bananas in my stomach. Great! Needless to say, it wasn't comfortable. I quickly realized that the 12k was going to be much harder than my evening runs when the sun is setting and the weather is cool.
About 3 km into the race, I caught these negative thoughts churning through my mind: You are heavy. You are slow. You need to pick it up. You are not going to get a good time. Your friends will judge you. You are embarrassing. You can't make it. You need to stop. It is too hot and you aren't ready for this. You can't make it.
I couldn't shake it. One of my shoulder angels was nicely perched up and talking shit. On the other side, I was saying, "This is your home court! This is your race! You CAN do it! You do this all the time! Just stay focused on your race, find your sweet spot, and put one foot in front of the other!"
I had to keep reminding myself to stay present in the race I was running. "Find your sweet spot, Nicola", I kept repeating. I was trying to shut down the negative internal dialogue and focus on the race, but look at the war I was fighting! Holy shit.
At 9 km into the race, the sun was raging and I was emptying every water bottle over my head; I could feel a pulsing headache, but I didn't stop.
I pushed past 10 km and was still battling.
Negative: I'm going to puke! My head is pulsing! It is so hot!
Positive: I'm almost there! 2 km to go! The sooner you finish, the sooner you will be out of this heat. Finish strong!
I rounded the final corner, I emerged from the jungle, I raced down the straight away, and I as I crossed the finish line and was met by friends - high five-ing and spouting congratulations. I did it! Despite the negativity battle, despite the heat, despite my self doubt, I had persevered. I hadn't stopped running and it felt awesome! In fact, I had even done well! So, check that out!
In light of my post about vulnerability, I think this is a very telling experience about my worries and concerns. I am scared to death of failing and being criticized when I don't succeed. I am afraid of being vulnerable, but I am my biggest critic. In retrospect, I'm a little baffled by how down I got during the race. I thought about it as I drove home and concluded that I had to write down what I had been feeling while running, so that I wouldn't forget that it had been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. During my fun run, though neon clad and familiar with the course, I still tried to tear myself down with negativity. (Honestly, who can be a pessimistic Patty while wearing neon??) Shoot. It looks like the only person who needs to be convinced of my strengths, is me.
Self love 101 - you are strong and capable, but you have to believe it. You have to push past the mental roadblocks, put one foot in front of the other, and who knows, you might surprise yourself.
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