Expectations Don't Need Water

I am talking with my mom on the phone, when we start discussing the garden Phil and I are putting in and I say the fateful words: "long term."
My mom responds, "How long term are you talking?"
"Well, Phil did apply to Humboldt State, so I think we are going to be here for at least a few years."
My mom makes a sound on the other end of the line, "hmmph." Then, silence.
"Don't sound so freaked out," I plea.
"Well, I'm just worried that you are holding yourself back," she says.
"Mom, if there were somewhere else I wanted to go or something else I wanted to do, I might be being held back, but for now, everything I want is right here."

When I was a kid, I worried that I had to have some big, impressive plan for my life - shiny and glossy with achievement and prestige slapped all over it. I told my teacher in third grade that I wanted to be the president of the United States, and I think that I believed that I needed to at least aim for that.

In college, I began to find myself. In academia, I thrived, but I further internalized the energy of go, achieve, prestige. Approaching graduation, armed with plans and no shortage of support from my ego, my trajectory suddenly veered. I didn't want what I had always wanted. After collecting my diploma, I boiled everything down to two priorities: I wanted to use my degree and I wanted to travel. So, I worked my butt off at a super stressful job in politics, then I bought a one-way ticket to Thailand.

It's been a bit of time since I took off to South East Asia, but walking through the dinosaur-aged redwood forests of Arcata, California, I tell my mom that I still want the same things as I did back then. I still care about the same issues; I still feel the same fire. However, I also want some things that hadn't occurred to me when I was twenty-one, such as cultivating positive and meaningful relationships, discovering a path not governed by my ego, and searching for fulfillment - yes, and happiness..."long term" happiness. My beliefs haven't fallen out of step in terms of my angsty, political fervor, but new and unexpected happenings have continually redirected my path towards taking advantage of unplanned possibilities, leaving me feeling as though my life isn't determined by this moment right now, nor will it be the same in 30 years as it is today, but if that were the case, and that's what makes me happy, then why is that so bad?

We talk about prestige and we talk about expectations for ourselves and for others, but we are harsh. We cut out the hippie shit that pertains to feelings and adventures, and we stick to ladders and dollars - so that we can actually do some measuring.

"Well, it's just not what I would have chosen for you, that's all."
I tell her, "we can't rely on plans...the world doesn't seem to work that way." But, what I mean is, "I'm not in a big ol' hurry...and for now, I putting down roots."