Getting on the phone and catching up with friends and family is sometimes hard to find time for, but when I do get a chance to sit down and have a lengthy conversations, I am incredibly thankful. Yet, phone conversations can be strange. When condensing the last few months of living into an hour-long conversation, we tend to first present the high-lights, gloss over the struggles and project what we will be taking on in the future. This, at least recently, seems to be the trend in my discussions and, in reaching this conclusion, I began to feel slightly hallow and uncertain as to what I was actually trying to convey across phone lines. And, was what I had to share, good enough? For years, I have stressed over ego-driven questions: Will I be successful? Will I establish a career? Will that career be prestigious? Blah, blah, blah. The funny thing was that only after all of the important life-goals bubbled to the surface, was there any room for thoughts of happiness, fulfillment, love, learning and...ummm...life? Destination based. Sound familiar?
I used to chat a lot about prestige and feeding the ego. Friends, in similar situations as myself, regardless of their respective paths, were also grappling with notions of achievement. I used to wonder, will I be okay just being a this. Do I need something more? And, my concerns were echoed by twenty-somethings around me. It took some soul searching, "failures" and "successes", but with time, I realized that doing something that sounded good on paper, wasn't necessarily my solution. What I wanted was more multifaceted that that.
Now, my mental dialogue has a different sound. Instead of being as obsessed with a nebulous conception of traditional success, I, in attempting to take the road less traveled, have been checking in with myself to make sure I'm not just finding another way to feed my ego. Let me try this on for size: if being on an alternative course still acts as a check list of achievement, then am I not just doing the same-same, but different? Meaning, if I start my day on a kayak instead of in a board room, but treat that in the same way as external success, wearing it like a badge or packing it away as a "win" to flaunt whenever I find the opportunity to "life-flex", then isn't it just adding fuel to the ego fire?
I had a momentary stress-fit where I began to question my choices.
Then, Phil stopped me with this question: "Is it genuine?"
"Yes," I answered without hesitation. "Yes, it is genuine."
When I think about the people who inspire me the most, I think about those who are out taking risks, living and loving despite the fact that there is no guarantee. You can regard the choices you make in many different contexts - a customer at the Santa Fe Co-op suggested taking a Carlos Castaneda approach. "Go to your death bed," he said, meaning you should think about what it would be like if you were to reflect on your life from your final hours on earth. In those moments, what was important, what had meaning, would, in theory, be made clear. Now, that seems a little morbid and heavy to be considering each choice with death in mind, but the idea of stripping away internal and external pressures that mold our lives away from our genuine desires is what I am referring to.
I was once told by a Santa Fe local, "when considering the lifetime of the earth, our presence on this planet, our individual lives are but fractions of a second. Understanding the greatness of this fact, our speck of existence is a miracle - to make of it what we choose."
When I share my triumphs, my struggles and the synopsis of my life, through conversations and print, ultimately the message is up to me. Where ever I go my ego can be heard, but as I find that I am enough, my voice is getting louder.
Photo credit: Joshua Mays and projectmooncircle.com
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