Happenstance, get your shit together.

Friday afternoon, I walked out of my classes for the last time. Yes, I just finished a full academic year of teaching in Thailand. Who would have thought?! As I continue to ponder what the next few months hold for me, (I've been going back and forth on a couple of things.) it has been brought to my attention....

....that I'm totally wishy-washy!

I was driving my motorbike after my friend dropped this truth bomb on me. I was on my way to go and run at the beach, muttering - "I am not wishy-washy!" However, about halfway to the beach I changed my mind and went to the gym instead. Damn it! This is all just funny for me, because I used to consider myself a very decisive person. So decisive, in fact, that I was almost stubborn about it. I never changed my major in college. I never changed colleges. If I said I was going to do something - I did it. I've pretty much seen everything in my life through. I'm not really a quitter. I'm afraid of failing, but I usually don't quit. I've actually dragged shit out for longer than necessary, just because I've refused to quit. Why did I do this? Probably to satisfy obligations and expectations associated with getting good grades, having an A to B to C future, having perfect relationships, and keeping everything "shiny and glossy" on the outside. Meh, I'm learning about this now.

I remember getting my Law School Acceptance Test score (LSAT) score while I was traveling in Europe. On the morning that the scores were released, I rushed to the computer to see the "damage". (For those who have taken the LSAT know, the test is a real bitch. My best friend picked me up after the full day test and I was borderline blackout from exhaustion - craving sleep and an In-'n-Out grilled cheese. Months of studying, months of stressing, a day of testing, and I was about to pass the hell out...p.s. In-n'-Out makes some bomb grilled cheeses - secret menu status.) 

Well, low and behold, my scores weren't a disaster. I ended up scoring in the range that I needed in order to get into my dream schools. I was dreaming of environmental and indigenous rights law in California, Oregon, or Colorado, had worked my butt off in college, and was staying on the track that I had laid out for myself that first semester at university.

Hmmm. Well this news came at the beginning of my first world trip and by the time I got back from seeing the sights, meeting tons of new people, and doing a little bit of soul searching, I was second guessing all of my plans. Here I was, with everything I needed to follow through with what I'd always wanted, but I got cold feet. Call it the travel bug, fear, being burnt out, whatever; I had cold feet.

I never even applied. Instead, I accepted an internship in D.C. with the Arizona Congresswoman, Ann Kirkpatrick, after I graduated - an internship which morphed into a position running the Democratic Headquarters in Flagstaff. It was a great opportunity, but it still followed the momentum of plans, plans, expectations, plans.

Law school was the first thing I really backed out of. The first serious life plan that is. Without that direction, I immediately felt lost and overwhelmed. I thought - if I don't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?? There goes my plans! Without A to B to C, I started to think about what I wanted. I decided that with my college diploma that I wanted two things:
1. To use my degree for something.
2. To travel. 

I did both. I finished my job in Arizona, a job that ended with the face crushing of the Democratic Party in the 2010 midterm elections. High five, Arizona. Then, I got on a plane to Thailand.

Now, I'm a 23 year old teacher in Phuket, Thailand. I feel like I live in a dream world, as I am attempting to live life in a way that is in accordance with my own expectations and dreams. I know my parents are proud of me, so it takes away the parent-child pressure storm cloud. (They just wanted me to get my undergrad and now for them, it doesn't really matter what I do - they just want me to be happy.) Soooo...in light of all of this, I've become completely wishy-washy.  

Happenstance keeps changing my plans! 

If you don't have a single obligation, you can change your plans like changing pants or the weather (The 'wearing pants' or 'weather changing' examples don't really apply to Thailand though, since the weather is mostly hot and I only wear pants when I'm feeling pseudo-Thai.), but you get the idea. I've realized that it is just easy to go where you want and do what you want - that obligations are in our minds. I was trying to give a friend of mine a time table for where I would be come August, but I couldn't, because it just wouldn't be realistic. With no seasons, it doesn't really matter what time of year it is and I can't be tied down. I guess I'm getting a feeling of  "summer" now that my first year of teaching is ending, but because I don't have any obligations, nothing forces me to make any plans. Hah! Shoot!

Lastly, a friend was telling a group of us at dinner, what his plans were after leaving Phuket. He had it planned down to exact weeks! He told us where he was going and what he was going to be doing week by week....into the fall even! We all exchanged impressed, 'big man on campus', looks and I felt the urge to clap for him. Everyone at dinner felt like, "Damn, that's a lot of plans!" and we were honestly impressed. Haha, I'm serious.

My friend, Charlie, says I sound like a hippie. Maybe it's just Thailand's whatever ("mai pen rai") attitude rubbing off on me, maybe it's happenstance, maybe what I've got can't be bought, or maybe when obligations, expectations, and grid patterns stop factoring into my decision calculus, wishy-washy becomes what chu wishing? :)

Turns out, all my plans start and end with dreams.