Posole

In the southwest, we cook a ceremonial corn dish, Posole, to celebrate our blessings and bring good luck to our families during the new year. Yesterday, I started cooking Posole and mixing up some of the spiciest red chile I can handle, as my attempt to bring good luck and blessings my way. It's just that, holy cow, 2012 sure smacked me around. Intentionally, too! Yes, 2012 was bare-knuckled and ruthless, but as my friend and I discussed over breakfast this morning, we go through the tough, "my life is falling apart!", crises, to gain tools for the future. And, I personally believe that 2013 is going to be magical due to the tools and lessons collected throughout the course of this crazy last year. It is because of these skills that we will be open to the possibilities of the new year in ways we otherwise would not have been. So, I have to say, "shine on, 2013", and, "thank you, 2012, for the strength you have given me".  (This is how I deal with life's disappointments - like a positivity junkie trying to look at the world not as much along the lines of "good and bad" experiences, but more in the sense of good times and learning experiences.)

I knew that coming back to America would be one big ol'...learning experience. I knew that things would not be easy with my family life, but I also had spent almost two years sitting on an island and soul searching, so I stopped running and returned with just about the necessary strength to confront the painful elements of my life. Undesirably, it ended up being much more difficult than I had imagined.

Then, a month ago, I was sitting in the climbing gym when a fellow climber who also happens to be an artist, healer, and devotedly religious individual, spontaneously asked if he could pray for me, because he sensed trouble with my family. I don't think I've ever really had anyone pray for me, but though we were sitting on crash pads, I guess I figured it had to be as good of a place as any to receive my first prayer. So, he said his prayer.

Sometimes the intensity of "God-stuff" can be a little much for me, but I felt as if we shared something really powerful and intimate despite the vastly different labels we use for our beliefs. Regardless of my own religious affiliation, his prayer about reuniting my family and bringing strength to us to help us heal and forgive one another, stuck me deeply since this individual had never spent any significant amount of time with me other than evenings pulling on plastic in the local climbing gym. There was no way for him to have any knowledge of my family's suffering, a deeply personal struggle, which has consumed a lot of my time and energy since my return to America. It was as if my life seemed to expose itself to him like I had a flashing neon sign over my head that said, "Family-Drama Queen - Yo, This Girl Needs Help". The whole experience was intense. I pushed it to the back of my mind, but as Christmas approached and happenstance would transpire in a way that allowed me to spend the holidays with my mom, sister, boyfriend, my sister's room mate, and my mom's friend, for what would be the best Christmas my family has shared in years, it was as if I lived out the prayer. Heather, my sister, and I were stunned. We couldn't believe the love, the happiness, and the peace that collected around our rag-tag family unit and allowed us to celebrate such an occasion in the highest of spirits despite the last couple months of intense pain. We all needed to be together as part of our healing. We had to be and despite the varying itineraries, in large part due to my attempt to leave the country, and "life-stuff" pulling in a multitude of directions, we got our Christmas together. Life's funny like that.

What I didn't get for Christmas, however, was some job security. After being strung along for months regarding my departure for Korea, my prospective employer changed my arrival date one last time and then retracted my job offer entirely. Bags packed, two weeks notice given, and good byes shared, I awaited my next big step in vain.

What I couldn't have foreseen, though, was that I needed Christmas to heal, I needed my family to be reunited, emotionally, after our struggles, and none of this would have been possible if I was on a flight headed halfway around the world. Next day, bummed about my job drama, I walked into the climbing gym and I saw the guardian angel climber. He asked me about my Christmas and I immediately started gushing about how awesome it had been, how I had been with my mom, sister, and a crew of new-found family members, and how I couldn't have been happier about it. He nodded almost knowingly and my mind somersaulted back to the words he shared with me, sitting in the same location just weeks before, he had said a prayer for me that was just that...reunited family, healing, love, strength, forgiveness.

Now, I look towards 2013 with much uncertainty, yet certainty just the same. My plan had been set: go to Korea, save money, live out my dream. However, since moving back to America, so much has changed in my life, that "certainty" now makes me think only of my priorities and love for the people around me. Though parts of being back in New Mexico have been dark and ugly, the tools that I've picked up make me feel like the ultimate video game character with star speed, strawberry health, and mushroom super-size. I feel good when I think about what life has dealt and my ability of responding in a, "I'm not running anymore", way. In a, "I'm strong enough to deal with this, because I meet the world with love and positivity that starts within me", way. In a, "my mind and my heart are certain", way, for that's all we ever have at the end of it all anyway. My tumultuous time here threw out my "Zip-a-dee-do-dah" idea I had that I would be able to give some high fives for a month of being in The States, and then high tail it to Korea before life could really sink in and I'd have to feel anything. Luckily, my plans didn't work out. I say that this was lucky, because it forced me to face difficult truths. Although the confrontation was uncomfortable, I've learned that life can't be calculated, mapped, or planned, because the future is unpredictable and it is our ability to roll with it, bend with it, prevail despite it, that prepares us for something greater. Maybe I'll make it to Korea this year; maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stay in Santa Fe; maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be scraping together loose change for the next few months, but will be rich in this world's good graces. Whether you believe December 21st, 2012 brought about a bunch of unwarranted hype or a significant change in global consciousness, I believe that the end of the year brought an opportunity for love and healing, the chance to see that with struggle we see our blessings, with pain we learn of our strengths, and with each life happening, only good times and learning experiences.

We make holiday dishes with consideration for the meaning behind our traditions. This year, because I was not in Korea, I got to make Posole.

Shine on, 2013.