Stop!! Before you do any more reading, you need to open this song! It's the music for the post and needs to be listened to. Foster The People: Call It What You Want.
Look into my eyes, I'm serious as shit.
Okay, now for what's going on. Someone told me a little while ago that when it is time for me to go, I'll just know. They meant this in regards to life in Thailand, but I tend to think that it applies to all aspects of our lives...and well, I'm beginning to feel restless.
While writing this post earlier this morning, listening to Foster the People, and being carried by the momentum of the track, I began to detect the restlessness. This feeling, building since I moved, almost a year ago, from Flagstaff to Thailand, has been simmering under the surface and is finally coming to a head. Then, my sister called. It was amazing hearing her voice and being able to catch up, even though, as always, our window of allotted chatting time was too small. I reported on Australian adventures and she responded with stories of life in Santa Fe, New Mexico - discussing the family, holiday plans, and the distance between us. We hung up and I let the song take hold.
My suppressed restlessness emerged and my fingers began skipping across the keyboard - seeking out plane tickets and travel costs. My mind racing at a million miles an hour as I imagined: Cambodia! Vietnam to LAX! Through Laos to Albuquerque! Faster! Los Alamos! Montana! Denver! California! Faces of people I long to see inspired me, while butterflies associated with the promise of reunions consumed me. I was engulfed in a whirlwind of music and anticipation - searching for the next step.
This is exactly the way I felt before I moved to Thailand - uninhibited, free, and reckless. I had no idea of what I would find when I moved, but my fingers tap danced across keyboards - entering passport and credit card numbers - and I acted on my restlessness. Yet, I never looked back.
I'm left wondering: What if we only listened to our hearts? What if we moved based on impulsiveness and lived by a code of uncertainty? Is it irresponsible if we live our lives according to love and passion instead of "logic" and "timetables"? What if every time we felt the restlessness building, we ran towards it? What if we strive for nothing more than living a life guided by love and exploration? Lastly....am I a fucking hippie? :)
I'm cognizant of my incessant babbling about trying to live life like an 8 year old, but I honestly believe that we should embrace this practice in its entirety. Perhaps, our 'gut feelings' or childlike impulsiveness are all the certainty we need in this world and are more logical than we are led to believe. Perhaps, our restlessness is not something to shy away from. Perhaps, we should believe in what tugs at our heart strings and strive to take on the quest of answering the "what ifs".
Hey, if 8 year old living , my lack of logical posturing, and to the wind time table-ing is what landed me in Thailand, I have to say that, so far, this methodology is fool proof! Now, I know I may not have all the answers, but I'm realizing that for me, this building restlessness is what has steered me in improbable, but incredible directions. So, maybe my whirlwind and uninhibited plane ticket purchases are no more illogical than the A to B to C path; no less critical than some elusive fast track.
As for this weekend, I'm off to Khao Sok with my housemate, Geoff, and the crew, for his 25th birthday party. We are staying in floating bungalows on a lake for two days to help him celebrate a quarter century. Though the years quickly pass, I'm learning that each year presents more opportunities, builds restlessness and anticipation, reveals possibilities shrouded in impulsiveness, and when we know, we know.
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