Loy Krathong Means Letting Go

On the night of the twelfth lunar month, Loy Krathong or the 'festival of lights', quite literally, illuminates Phuket. This magical night is a chance for us put our hopes and wishes in boats made of exotic flowers and set them sail - at the mercy of the tides, but with the hopes that their journey will carry away the negative forces in our lives and bring nothing but good fortune in the coming year.

Turns out, my cousin was luckily wrong in her assumption that the timeshare was in Patong, so instead of my mom's hotel being located in the seedy underbelly of the island, (Patong fun is more designed for the raging 20 somethings and the washed up old Western men....ew, rather than my mother) she is staying in the relaxed and picturesque setting of Bang Tao. Bang Tao is in the northern part of the island - a resort hub, but a nice and chilled out area complete with quiet beaches and bourgeoisie-y comforts.

We traipsed to the beach for the Loy Krathong Festival as throngs of people gathered on the grassy lawns around the water - picnicking and enjoying the whole traditional Thai song and dance. No pun intended.

 See - traditional Thai dance! We sat and watched the dancing for awhile - captivated by the intricate clothing and grace with which the dancers preformed. They were stunning.

As night blanketed the area,  we moved to the waters edge and were able to capture the essence of Loy Krathong. It was fantastic! As tradition goes, you make the boat as a symbol of your sins or struggles and by letting it float out into the water, you send with it a hope that it will carry these bad things away from you. If the boat returns to the shore, the likelihood of good fortune is lessened, so people could be seen coaxing the boats with sticks from the sand. From large torches, people lit the incense and candles that adorned their boats, conducted prayers, and released the boats. It was so tranquil and beautiful to watch.

My mom and I decided that we too wanted to cast a boat out into the ocean, so we went to one of the nearby tables and selected a beautiful flower boat complete with bird of paradise flowers and orchids decorating the top.

 My mom lit the candles....

 ...as well as the incense sticks.

 I crouched down at the water's edge....

 ...and we let it go.

I imagined it taking all of the hurt that we are going through, the struggles, the pain, and the tears from this year, and floating it all to some distant location. Away from me. Away from my mom. Away from our family.

 I turned, then, to see this beautiful Thai girl approaching the same spot as me - to do the same. I realized that we participate in activities like this for different reasons. Some are newcomers to the event, like my mom and I. Some are continuing years of tradition. Some have sins and misgivings to rid themselves of and some are just intrigued by the mysteries of this foreign land and its practices. However, despite the reasons we come to this place and regardless of the diversity in our prayers for the upcoming year, it felt like there was a sense of togetherness and community there - that we are united through our stories - our hardships and all.

By the time we left the beach, hundreds of flower boats twinkled around the lagoon - drifting lightly across the placid water. 

I guess I'm just trying to let it all go. So, here it goes - my parents are separated now. My dad doesn't live in Los Alamos anymore and I feel like it's been some big fucking secret this whole time. I found out that this was going to happen exactly a year ago - I wasn't supposed to know and I kept my mouth shut and kept it from my mom. It absolutely broke my heart to know what was happening and I was losing it under the pressure of staying strong. I didn't know how to be an adult about it. I don't know how to be an adult about it still. It just hurts. A lot. 

As I write this I hear myself responding - "Separated? Big fucking deal, Nicola. So, what? You feel damaged - all fucking sad inside? Yeah? So does everyone else - with bigger problems. Suck it the fuck up". I hear myself saying this, but seeing my mom out here brings me out of vacation world. She makes me think about the reality of separation and divorce. She talks about it and makes me stare it in the face instead of from behind a computer screen with e-mail correspondence as a buffer. I don't know if it makes it easier being 23 when your parents decide to call it quits or if it's easier to get used to separate holidays when you aren't playing an 8 year old, but actually are one. Either way, I'm guessing it hurts just about the same.

I held that boat with my mom and tried to think about the future. I tried to let go of the hurting and focus on the love that I have in my life and the dreams I have for the coming year. Our boat floated away and I thought - "life is like the tides. It brings us both the good and the bad and it hurts a lot sometimes, but the tides are always changing and you have to take your chances with boats of hopes and wishes".