Repairing, reconnecting, and eek! - returning?

What I learned this week? Well, after an intense little trip down memory lane, I realized that I had some reaching out to do. What I found is that it's never to late to reach out, to repair, or to reconnect. We're always growing up. We're always learning from mistakes, but it doesn't matter how much time gets in the way...friendship feels a whole hell of a lot better than feuding and you never know what'll happen if you try to make amends, break the silence, or let someone know that you care about them. If you can think of anyone you've had to breach a silence gap with - a silence either intentionally positioned or covertly developing, you know that it can seem unconquerable. It's been too much time, right? Nay! People lose touch, life gets in the way, or friendships are abandoned over simple words and actions, but we are constantly faced with the option of changing that. We can let them wilt or we can revive them - backed by this little knowledge bomb -  

this world is filled with nothing but lessons and surprises; ya gotta keep on acting with your heart and believing in love, but when you do, you're giving the universe the chance to answer with beautiful possibilities. 

"Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own; and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever. Every act of love, every moment of the heart reaching out, is part of the universal good: it's a part of God, or what we call God, and it can never die." - Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

Unfortunately, all of this repairing and reconnecting has me in a little bit of a freaked out place.

I was running from a lot of stuff when I left America. I'm realizing that now. As of late, I've been reconnecting; I've been reaching out and I've been repairing. Now, I'm starting to wake up to the fact that a lot of the difficult times that I buried needn't remain as baggage. As I extend olive branches and attempt to reface "reality", I'm being surprised by the beautiful possibilities. I'll be real; digging up the past is uncomfortable. Dealing with emotions - yes, emotions - can be, well, emotional! And, I usually don't like it! However, I'm facing the fact that I'm going to be in America again in a little over a month and it's probably going to be emotional to the utmost extremes. I am over-the-moon excited to see my friends and family, but terrified of being caught in the war zone that is my parents ongoing divorce. Tip toeing around their baggage has never been an easy charade and I'm out of practice. Yet, that is what it is. I'm probably going to cry little tears of happiness when I see a lot of people, but I'm also going to be guarding myself from attachment. Hey, I'm only stopping through, right? It's a reunion tour and then on to the next stop, right? Does that mean that my friends will be guarding themselves from emotionally attaching to me? What if I can't see everyone I want to? What if I don't "fit in" anymore/what if I don't know how to fit in anymore? What if my life here makes me feel like some kind of alien in America? What if this weirdness keeps me from enjoying the time I have with people that I love? Or this mondo, all encompassing one -

What if I can't get home?

Mostly, I'm just scared of the uncomfortably of it all. I just have no idea what to expect. I mean, everything has changed for me in time that I've been in Phuket. My parents moved, separately, away from the town that I grew up in, my friends scattered all over the country, and I'm not the same person I was when I left. I guess that last part is a no-brainer, but this is where my head's at.

I want to say to myself, "breathe deeply."

The uncertainty of this world scares the shit out of most of us. Whether it involves moving around the world, moving back from around the world, going to a new city, starting a new job or degree program, building relationships, repairing relationships, or , oh yeah, loving in general, the uncertainty of this life has most of us back pedaling before we've started. I'm struggling with the unknown, but I'm making some baby steps. Well, and a couple of really big steps - with July 23rd looming in the future, it feels as though I'm being catapulted forward, mixed with, "you'd better be okay with it, sister, 'cause you've got a plane ticket bound for 'Merica next month!"

What it comes down to is that we never know what's waiting for us around the corner. We never know what is in store. Like I said, each of life's challenges presents us with the possibility of happiness and forgiveness - growth, beauty, and love. However, only by embracing uncertainty do you open the door to these possibilities. If every moment that we act in a loving way has the potential to change the course of our lives, alter our paths, and steer us toward a better, more loving way, then I say, reach out, repair, and reconnect. I'm scared and I don't always act maturely; sometimes it takes me AGES to mend bridges, and sometimes things happen that are out of my control, but when it comes to the way that I act, the way that I live, and the way that I embrace this changing, uncertain world, I have full reign to determine who I want to be. As I reflect on my attempts at reconnecting this week and my "stumbles down memory lane" in preparation for my arrival in America, I'm finding that -

You can't give up on love, because though people always leave - sometimes, they come back.