It might be like a heart break, but I'm too numb to tell.

Sometimes I reread my posts and I want to say, "gag me." Magic? Love, passion, positivity, friendship? How can you be talking about all that emotional mumbo jumbo when other days, you don't believe in that stuff at all. It makes me feel false. I'm always preaching about emotions, trying to look for beauty, and searching for the silver lining of storm clouds, or at least advocating being brave enough to face those darkened shapes in the first place, but I can't get in touch with what is buried within me. This struck me when received an e-mail telling me that my parents are finalizing their divorce and I felt...nothing.

I feel nothing. Not a god damn thing.

I sit in front of my computer and reread the e-mail and think, "well, okay." Actually to be honest, the first lines were, "I'm sorry I have to tell you this through an e-mail. Your Dad..."

Immediately, I panicked. I thought, "Oh, shit, what happened to my Dad?" I skipped ahead to see what the hell the conclusion of the statement was.

When it amounted to an official divorce, I released my breathe. Relieved. Then, I thought, "well, okay."

Really? Relieved? Well, okay? That's it? Is that how people are supposed to react to information like that? I didn't know what to think. Then, I wrote back something lame like, "thanks for telling me; let me know if you need anything."

That was it. I didn't think or feel anything. 
Sometimes it's as if I'm this chick in Mean Girls... 

 ...talking about rainbows and smiles, all full of emotions, but not really talking about anything substantive.

I sat down and I tried to draw some doodle related to my childhood, you know, unearth past memories to try to feel something, but I just felt pathetic. I guess I wanted to feel angry or resentful or hateful. I wanted to feel something that I imagine you are supposed to feel when the carpet gets pulled out from under you. I looked at my doodle and it was pretty apparent that it wasn't happy, but that's all I really got. I thought, "yeah things were pretty shitty at home. I guess they always were." Maybe I'm still kind of overwhelmed by how things went down, but it's all so far in the past now, or too much to comprehend, that it just feels like..."whatever."

I'm numb. I feel indifferent. I tell myself that I don't care. I try to be angry or hurt, but I just feel detached. Actually, my sister used to get angry with me and is probably still angry with me, because she always thought I should be angry, that I should not want to talk to my parents, or that I should have told them that if they didn't change, they would lose their relationship with me. I can't do it though. I don't believe myself when I think that I could walk away from either of them, despite their downfalls, despite the darkness. Instead, I retreat into my little crab shell, demand some alone time, and try to conjure up anything that might resemble a feeling...

In the crashing waves and encroaching tide, I remain unmoving. Watching as the world swirls around me, I'm stationary without any idea as to whether I should run or scream.

It might be like a heart break, but I'm too numb to tell.