How To Feel Good In The Skin You Are In

I used to work with a 67 year old firecracker of a woman. She was wild and had lived a fantastic life - equally exhilarating as it was heart breaking. This woman treated her volunteer hours at my office as a informal therapy sessions and though, I usually didn't say much, I listened, and I learned something pretty valuable along the way. I learned that you can't put off forgiving yourself. You can't wait. If you wait to forgive, you will end up as a 67 year old still wallowing in a world clouded by feelings of low self esteem, sadness, loneliness, and negative self body image. Like I'm always saying - I don't think that we reach an age when it "clicks", when we have the world "figured out", or we "grow up". If we want to live fulfilling and happy lives, we have to give ourselves a chance, and we must learn to love ourselves.

Forgive.
It's hard to feel good in the skin you are in since "growing up" appears to mandate a dosage of "self esteem struggles", some point along the way. This period of darkness turns our thoughts into weapons and we seem to spring at the chance to get all comfy in some negative Nancy pants and beat ourselves down. You know that superior critic in our minds that lets us have it, never giving us a fighting chance? We are the toughest on ourselves and the flagellation results in phases of low self esteem, though some of us yo-yo more frequently than others, teetering between the security of "okay", followed by "...not alright".

'Cause it's hard. It's hard learning that the world isn't perfect and that we are not perfect. I don't know how this got built up to be such a let down, but imperfection is what makes this world beautiful; it's not cookie cutters and mint condition lives. Imperfection is what makes us real. It's the good and bad times that create us and connect us to other imperfect people, but it can also make the road to self acceptance long.

This road is riddled with pot holes and speed bumps that seem to derail the whole operation from time to time, and I've been there too. I'm going to share something that I wrote awhile ago, something that is really difficult to talk about and share, because it isn't pretty. It is dark and negative, but it is not who I am anymore, so I hope that this can be like a chapter closing as I yo-yo closer towards "okay". I'm guilty of the self esteem roller coaster, but I've realized that my lowest points are associated with times when something occurs in my life that seems beyond my control. Divorce, being treated badly by someone, failure of some kind, etc. have all emerged as very trying moments in my life. Since disordered eating is tied to control issues, it makes sense that every time some big 'life happening' shakes things up for me, I respond to these overwhelmed feelings by attempting to control food. Beyond recognizing this pattern, I continue to make changes in my life that will help me to better deal with these feelings of 'no control', learn to forgive myself, and continue to move towards a place where these low points happen with less frequency and intensity.


It was a couple of years ago that I scribbled this on a dilapidated notebook page - 

It starts like hydroplaning, like losing control.
And, I am prodding again at my imperfections.
Obsessed with the pimples protruding from my scalp.
Scratching and squeezing through a thick forest of hair -
I am constantly reminded.
Only I can feel this.
The pain of pressure under my skin - sores growing poisonous.
Blemishes aching to be broken where they lie.
Tweeze, pick, poke. I can't stop.
Only I can feel this.
I claw at my body.
Razor burn turned ingrown hairs.
Bruises inside and out.
Only I can feel this.
Scratching my legs - itchy and dry.
Pulling at my skin, love handles and fat make me embarrassed and heavy.
Only I can feel this.
I sit alone thinking about imperfections.
Only I can feel this.
Staring into a mirror at a sad face, riddled with volcanoes and crevasses.
I feel calories and the sick expansion of my stomach.
I can't stop.
Only I can feel this.
I crave food like comfort.
Like cuddling close. 
Like hold me while I cry.
Like this is me feeling weak.
Like this is me feeling afraid.
Like this is me feeling rejected and alone.
Only I can feel this.
I maneuver myself to the bathroom.
Only I can feel this.
I force my fingers down my throat to bring up all of the poison,
the calories, and sick expansion. 
The fat. The pudge. The imperfections. The insecurities.
I release them in that bent over, grappling, embarrassing state and try to be okay.
Alone; Only I can feel this.

That was my lowest point. That is the darkest place I have ever reached. I reread that and was baffled by it, but at the time, the culmination of years of food struggles, my parent's going through the beginning phases of separation, recent rejection, feelings of inadequacy, and a general sense of being lost in the world, left me there. Before I could put the brakes on, I found myself slipping to that dark space and though it is embarrassing for me, even now, I write it down in hopes that I will never return there.

Today, I'm trying to learn to love myself. I have 22 days until my big race and I'm trying to treat myself well and appreciate the fact that my body is strong and able. I'm trying to accept and forgive myself for not being perfect, and instead celebrate my capabilities and strengths. Learning to love yourself can be one of the hardest things that we do, but we don't have time to wait. We can't put off forgiveness for a moment, a year, a lifetime. We can not afford to wake up as 67 year olds who still are learning how to love ourselves. We don't have time. This life is precious and fantastic, but we must embrace it with nothing short of love.