Growing up, I remember a lot of sit down talks with the parents. You know, the "now, let me tell you something" kind of talks when your parents act as a fountain of knowledge and you are supposed to just sit there and absorb their words like a little sponge. I remember them telling me about the importance of things like looking out for my sister, saving money, getting good grades, and, you know, being aware of stranger danger, blah, blah, blah. I remember hilarious moments like when my mom, who, at the time, was unbearably awkward about bodies and "sex" stuff, compared "sex" to a box of chocolate - something about waiting to eat a chocolate, because if it was the first one in the box, it would taste better...and...umm..ahhhh...
Yeah, sorry Mom, but the Forest Gump analogy was ridiculous and will be stuck with me for a lifetime. Haha, sheesh.
However, my parents did happen to give good advice ("good advice" which I appreciate in retrospect, of course), especially when it came to education and success, marrying someone you trust, and not depending on anyone else for happiness.
I will always remember these little pearls of wisdom, but one thing we never really talked about, though, was just being a good person. Maybe we did. Maybe this all took place when I was an impossible teen. Maybe the "Golden Rule" covered these bases, but beyond catch phrases and the sterilized Christian commandments, part of an institution that my parents really never bought into, I think I grew up thinking that if you didn't steal and murder, you were all set and probably a pretty good person.
I can say now, after screwing up friendships and relationships of all kinds, after stumbling through this life with a "golden rule" instead of any real outline for "goodness", that whatever I felt like covered all of my bases for goodness, came up short. Sure, we all have some sort of laundry list, if you will, our dirty laundry, or "goofs" and "mistakes" that have resulted in damaged hearts and relationships left in our wake, but I believe that people can change. I believe that we all have the potential to be good to those around us, someone who can be relied on or confided in. I believe that trust goes deeper than "if you say you'll do something, I'm trusting you to do it". I think trust comes down to standing with your heart in a paper cup, arms outstretched, asking someone to be gentle. I think it comes down to believing that someone will protect you or at the very least consider your emotions, treat you with love, and with respect. I've come to realize that though I have not been a good person, even close to 100% of the time, that when I think back on things that I've done or recalled words that I've said, I almost laugh, because I don't know if I even know that person anymore. I'm horrified. I repeat scenarios in my life and I feel ashamed while the good shoulder angel mocks, "are you serious? You really did that." Though such things have happened in the past, I hope that that isn't who I am anymore and here's the thing, I'm trusting myself to be different.
A year and a half ago, I moved to Thailand and I had no idea what I would find. Amongst the beautiful beaches, compassionate people, and relaxed way of living, coincidentally, it isn't just the best curry place or the hidden beach that I've found; I've been finding myself. I've been releasing the bitter, resentful, and angry self that acted like it was "me against the world", in hopes of finding goodness, grace, and love.
I know I've been hurtful and I know I can still be insensitive and hurtful, but I'm an 8 year old in love and life; I stumble, but I'm learning. Education is important; success, dependability, and character qualities in potential spouses are important. However, I think it's time we started having more talks about how to be better to each other. I think finding love and opening ourselves to trust trumps corporate ladders and stock options. I think learning how to listen and keep secrets is more valuable than dolla dolla billz and satellite television.
And, when it comes to finding bottomless friendship and happiness, if anything is warranting of little kid smiles and over the moon feelings, it's this:
I have a friend, a best friend, who told me just now that he'll be driving all the way to California to pick me up when I return to the states in August. Yes,
my dirty, hippie, Southeast Asia-traipsing self will be in Los Angeles
at the beginning of August and what is even more amazing, is that I have a marvelous, fantastic, sensational friend who: 1. hasn't forgotten about me, even though I attempted to disappear with my whole running off to Thailand stunt, and 2. has built such a beautiful friendship with me that he's willing to pick my crazy ass up from LAX. I feel completely undeserving.
I'm blessed with incredible friendships - friendships formed when I was a sub par person and friend - hey, like I said, I stumble, but I've gotta keep asking myself about what makes a good friend, because the value of friendship and the importance of being a good person is what makes this life rich. I honestly believe that despite an inability to summarize the formula for goodness or organize a set number of rules or guidelines, we learn from our life experiences about the meaning of goodness, and a willingness to learn is the equation. For me, it's more like a continuous classroom session, not a check list. Like anything in life, to improve, we must practice. So, let me start over. I guess the good news is - it's never too late.
It was as a 12 year old that I remember playing the newest CDs on repeat with my friends, huddling around the boom box, building friendships, and humming along with artists like Macy Grey, singing, "spread your rubber loving and it bounces back at you".
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